Call The Lawyers...

In honor of some recent news made by certain people, the fine upstanding people at T-Shirt Hell have this to offer:



Thanks, T-Shirt Hell!

Courage,
Mike G.

Must...Find...Eggs!

Here's my lovely niece Victoria, as she realizes the concept of finding Easter Eggs and the fact that they contain sweet, sweet candy.

Sadly, I fear this set of facts will be easier to explain than the theological underpinnings of the holiday.

Courage,
Mike G. 

Hiatus...

Well, not as such.

I will be visiting family this week, so while I won't be able to update as usual, I'll be adding at least one or two audio posts and a cellphone pic.

Before I leave, a small observation about this weekend. Sunday was the big NASCAR Race at Texas Motor Speedway, attended by about 189,000 people. Sunday was also the day where people across the nation marched in support of immigration reform. Here in Dallas, the crowds were estimated to be between 350,000 to half a million.

I guess the Chamber of Commerce is right when they say that Dallas has something for everyone.

Second, if you love kittens[and who doesn't] my pal Devin's just lousy with them. It the perfect chaser after you've seen something like this.

Finally, here's a funny T-shirt to let everyone know your affiliation.



Courage,
Mike G.

More Roller Fun...

Earlier this week I helped announce the second match of the season for the Dallas Derby Devils. While my complete lack of self-esteem keeps me from feeling too good about my performance, I don't think it was too horrible.

So far I've adopted the "1970's sportscaster" look, along with oversized headphones and a hairstyle just short of injection molded.

But like all members of the media, I'm feeling the need to reinvent my look.

So this is being sent out on both this blog and my MySpace page. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Courage,
Mike G.

A Short Note...

To The Terrribly Overweight Arlington Convenience Store Employee Who, Due To Company Policy Must Keep The Doors Locked After 1:00 AM And Conduct All Transactions Via The Sliding Drawer:

I'm sorry the Chee-tos were on the lower shelf. To be honest, they weren't even for me. We were wondering, what if someone wanted to buy a gallon of milk? I don't think it would fit in that drawer.

Courage,
Mike G.

Thanking The Academy...

In less than 24 hours, I will have most likely lost one of my prized possesions, my WWE Fantasy Championship belt.

The worst part is that I won't know until long into the evening, since Wrestlemania falls on the same night as my other gig as play-by-play man for the Dallas Derby Devils. [7pm, Arlington Skatium, $12 at the door, show up early, sellout anticipated]

Less than thirty points separate me from first-place Richard 'Big Dick' Hunter.

Sadly, my downfall was not the result of a tactical decision. Instead, I made the unforgivable mistake of drafting a wrestler who was injured and not scheduled to be on TV.

Gregory Helms[the former Hurricane] had broken his nose in early March. Until that time, he was a smart pick given his relatively low cost and the fact that he was [and still is] the WWE Cruiserweight Champion. In my rush to make my picks for Week 9, I drafted him.

Finally, here's the card for Wrestlemania 22: Smackdown! in blue, RAW in red...

WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. Triple H

World Title Match
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton

No Holds Barred Match
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels

Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs. Edge

Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair vs. Finlay vs. Matt Hardy vs. Lashley

Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

WWE United States Title Match
Chris Benoit vs. JBL

World Tag Team Titles Match
Kane & The Big Show vs. Carlito & Chris Masters

WWE Women's Title Match
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs. Candice Michelle

Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell

Courage,
Mike G.

Le Sigh...

Again, I have no idea what she's saying...



Courage,
Mike G.

"Hey, Mike..."

"Do you have any pictures of buxom British models wearing superhero themed clothing?"

Why, as a matter of fact...



Thank you GorillaMask!

Courage,
Mike G.

Hopefully this will work...

I've had this song in my library for a while now, and I'm hoping that someone will be able to help me. My copy of this theme is different from the one used on the show, mostly from the use of the first-person pronoun. My question is, is this an alternate version, or a cover from another group entirely?

Courage,
Mike G.

Powered by Castpost

Out And About...

So I had some late-night Hungries [kudos to anyone who recognizes that reference] after a Derby meeting, but didn't want to take anything home.

Even in a Big City like Dallas, you're still pretty limited when it comes to late night dining in a restaurant. I've heard that Cafe Brazil is pretty good. Some Taco Cabanas are open all night, and there's the Trinity of IHOP, Denny's and Waffle House.

But I passed up all of these for the Steak n Shake on Alpha Road.

If you're not lucky enough to live in a SnS state, I'm very sorry. The food's pretty good and affordable [if you're smart]. But what I liked most was watching the people around me.

The couples grabbing a bite after a late movie, the school-kids laughing themselves silly while trying to be mature at the same time, families with small children fighting the urge to fall asleep.
Before I started blogging, I used to carry a small notepad around and write down my thoughts. Don't worry, they were just as banal as these posts. I do like the bells and whistles here, but there was something about just jotting stuff down in the moment. If I ever decipher my scrawlings, I might post some of them here.

Finally, this may or may not have happened:

I was polite, witty at the right times, and quiet at the others. She was smart, funny, and cute.

And married.

To be honest, that was the least of my problems. I liken it to the thief that gets deterred by the Neighborhood Watch sticker, instead of the fact that he's not a very good thief.

Oh, and the thief's never actually robbed a house before, either.

Courage,
Mike G.

What Does That Mean?

If you're a fan of monkey puppets with cute voices, you might be a fan of The Anti-Personal Space Monkey.

ASPM and his hard-hitting interview style make for some fascinating viewing. He's also confronted America's own Miscom and frankly, he dominated.

Courage,
Mike G.

God Mode...

Hey gang,

Do you love video games?

Do you love the Lord?

Do you love the Lord AND video games?

Then those Krazy Kids at Penny Arcade have something just for you:



They've got similarly themed items for sale, along with some old classics.

Courage,
Mike G.

Giving In...

First off, a warning.

If you're at work, it would be in your best interest if you don't click on either of these two links. Wait till you get home, or go to a co-worker's cubicle and click away.

Churn favorite Melissa Theuriau is just about as close to flawless as anyone out there. She might very well be the worst human being in the world, but I can't bring myself to care.

Recently, she decided to take a trip to the beach, and some enterprising photographer seized the opportunity.

Proof of the trip can be seen here and here.

And for those who won't be able to click those links till later, here's a video of Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team singing about sweet, sweet love.



Courage,
Mike G.

Senseless Violence...

Here's a fun scene with action star Tony Jaa dispensing grand amounts of ass-kicking. Note his propensity for snapping arms and legs, where your standard action hero would settle for a punch to the face. I believe this is from Tom Yum Goong, which won't hit US theaters till the end of the year.

To those who aren't fans of the video posts, be patient. Like a kid with a new toy, I should eventually get bored with it, and move on to a new obsession.

Courage,
Mike G.

Coming Soon...

Here's a sneak peek of what a Dallas Derby Devil Event is like.

Huge props to the folks at Dark Age Media, especially their cameraman. It's hard to tell in that clip, but he strapped on some skates to catch all the action. You can see a collection of stills here.

Courage,
Mike G.

Goodbye, Children...

Chef has left the town of South Park...

I have to say, while I don't watch the show as much as I used to, I knew that Tom Cruise/John Travolta 'Trapped In The Closet' episode would have some repercussions.

I have no desire to get sued back to the Stone Age, so these links are purely informational. I have no idea whether or not there's any truth to their claims.

This probably sealed the deal for Isaac...

Some articles on the subject...

Rolling Stone weighs in...

Courage,
Mike G.

A Do-Over...

So, let's see if this works.



Longtime readers will recognize this as one of the first videos I ever posted on this blog. Please note though, that unlike the videos you might find on MySpace and other places, these will only play if you want them to, and you have full control.

Courage,
Mike G.

At Trackside:

Yup, that's me in my role as 1/2 of the announce team for the Derby Devils. I do feel a bit odd at times since the odds are pretty good that the last person who wore that jacket has been dead for some time.

If you'd like to see more pictures of last week's bout, click here.

Many thanks to the talented and skilled psycoimage.

Courage,
Mike G.

Can't Stop The Runaway...

For those of you who don't know, I have a small outpost on MySpace. I use it to keep tabs on my Derby Devils, but otherwise, I'm just too lazy to do anything of substance with it.

Also, browsing MySpace almost always turns into a big case of Tired Head. There's only so many times I can see non-scrolling backgrounds, multiple animated GIF avatars, five different video clips, comments made by people who can't be bothered to resize their pictures, and surveys, surveys, surveys.

Anyways, the real reason I'm posting is to highlight individual Devils. First up is
The Jersey Runaway.

The Runaway is a member of the Suicide Shifters, and she put on a skating clinic at our bout last week. BTW, the next bout is on April 2. Be on the lookout for further installments.

Courage,
Mike G.

More Essential Items...

From the fine folks at Deez Teez:


This shirt would go great with a certain item too.

Courage,
Mike G.

Simple Pleasures...

So I'm watching Unwrapped, all the while remembering the late great Double Dare.

Inbetween segments on how Nutella was made[note: their spokesman until some Denver...Unpleasantness? Kobe Bryant] and some restaurant that made over 100 different types of peanut butter, was this item:



The Butter Bell.

According to the company, you can keep a whole stick of butter fresh and spreadable for up to a month without having to put it in the fridge. Also, these have been around for about 200 years.

The things you miss when you're busy stealing music online.

Courage,
Mike G.

The Quest Begins Anew...

As DFW's greatest flat-track Roller Derby League starts it's first official season.

The Dallas Derby Devils held their first bouts of the 2006 season earlier tonight, and though I may be a bit biased, I think it went off without a hitch. Alongside our returning teams, The Wrecking Crew, The High Seas Hotties, and The Suicide Shifters, we debuted a new team, The Slaughterers.

I hope everyone had a great time, and wasn't too beaten down by my announcing. If it's of any comfort, I did strain my voice so...you know, small favors.

Pictures/video may be here sooner than you think.

Courage,
Mike G.

Mmmm...Anthropomorphic.

Ever wanted to see The Simpsons with live actors?

Here's a taste.

Courage,
Mike G.

Supply And Demand...

So the guy that founded Domino's has plans for his own town.

I think it's a bit funny that the town is banning all of these 'immoral' products and services.

If these townsfolk were truly living the way Mr. Monaghan and his partners wanted, there could be a 24-hour free pornography/abortion/condom warehouse in the middle of town and noone would ever walk in the door.

Unless you choose to do 'the right thing', it doesn't really matter.

Courage,
Mike G.

Till All Are One...

So...does anyone have a spare $175 that they can donate to their favorite blogger?

You got the touch
You got the power

After all is said and done
You've never walked, you've never run,
You're a winner

You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat
You're nobody's fool

You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

You got the touch
You got the power

When all hell's breakin' loose
You'll be riding the eye of the storm

You got the heart
You got the motion

You know that when things get too tough
You got the touch

You never bend, you never break
You seem to know just what it takes
You're a fighter

It's in the blood, it's in the will
It's in the mighty hands of steel
When you're standin' your ground

And you never get hit when your back's to the wall
Gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all

You got the touch
You got the power

When all hell's breakin' loose
You'll be riding the eye of the storm

You got the heart
You got the motion

You know that when things get too tough
You got the touch

You're fightin' fire with fire
You know you got the touch

You're at your best when when the road gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

You got the touch
You got the power

You got the touch
You got the power

Courage,
Mike G.

Sheer Arrogance...

When a company decides to make a video game based on a movie that is a reimagining of one of the greatest comic book movies of all time, that takes some brass.

But EA has decided to bite the bullet [to coin a phrase] and release Superman Returns. They've also posted a trailer where Supes takes on Metallo.

While it's only a trailer for a video game, you get a sense of why Bryan Singer gave up directing X-Men 3 for Superman.

Courage,
Mike G.

Cracking Down...

Earlier today, the WWE instituted a substance abuse and drug testing policy. This will be a very interesting development, since in part, steroids shaped professional wrestling during one of it's greatest booms.

Some of the substances banned by this policy are as follows:

Anabolic Androgenic Steroids:

androstenediol, androstendione, bolasterone, boldenone, chloroxomesterone (dehydrochlormethyltestosterone), clostebol, dihydroepiandosterone, dihydrotestosterone, dromostanolone, epitestosterone, 4-chlortestosterone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, furazabol, mesterolone, methandienone (methandrostenolone), methandriol, methenolone, methylclostebol, methyltestosterone, methyltrienolone, mibolerone, nandrolone, norandrostenediol, norandrostenedione, norethandrolone, norethindrone, oxabolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, stanozolol, stenbolone, testosterone, trenbolone

Benzodiazepines:

Alpha-hydroxy-alprazolam(Xanax), Lorazepam(Ativan), Nordiazepam(Valium), Oxazepam(Serax), Temazepam(Restoril)

Diuretics:

acetozolomide, amiloride, bendroflumethiazide, benzthiazide, bumetanide, canrenone, chlormerodrin, chlorthalidone, diclophenamide, ethacrynic acid, furosemide, hydrochlorothiazide, mersalyl, spironolactone, triamterene

I've decided that in the spirit of fairness, our WWE Fantasy Wrestling league should go by the same policy. Like the policy states, investigations will occur if any of the following are observed:

1. physical signs of red or droopy eyes, dilated or constricted pupils;

2. slurred speech, stumbling, or hyperactivity;

3. needle marks;

4. repeated unexplained disappearances from an Event;

5. unexplained lateness in arriving for an Event;

6. nose constantly runs, appears red, or persistent sniffling;

7. time distortion, including repeated tardiness and missed appointments;

8. chronic forgetfulness or broken promises;

9. accidents during Events;

10. inability to concentrate, remember, or maintain attention;

11. mental confusion, paranoia, or presence of abnormal thoughts or ideas;

12. violent tendencies, loss of temper, or irritability;

13. extreme personality change or mood swings;

14. deteriorating personal hygiene or appearance.

Hopefully I've posted this in time for our league members to clean themselves up before our next event. Oh, for those of you who are curious, thesporq.com is still in first place with 1214 points, and I'm ready for testing at any time.

Courage,
Mike G.

Nip It In The Bud, Andy...

Goodbye Barney.

Courage,
Mike G.

Sweet...

All hail to the greatness that is SuperHeroHype...


According to Sony, this is a color photo of Spider-Man, which opens up a whole kettle of fish. To be more precise, your nerd level can be approximated by your response to the picture. Oh, nitpickers can grab a super-size version here.

The Black Costume came about almost as an accident.

While fighting The Secret War, Spidey picked up what he thought was a futuristic costume but instead was an alien symbiote. Spidey rejected the symbiote, which later bonded with reporter Eddie Brock and became Venom. Not to make a long story longer, but as of this writing, the current Venom is Mac Gargan, better known as the Scorpion.

But as readers of Churn know, Comics and Movies based on those Comics usually have very little in common. Most sources claim that actor Topher Grace is playing a character named Venom, but it's unknown which version. Ain't It Cool's claiming that it might be The Ultimate Marvel version, but that conflicts with other rumors.

So, what could make Peter Parker create a new costume without the red and blue? Will it have the white spider insert? Could it be that this isn't a picture of Peter Parker?

It is known that Thomas Haden Church will play The Sandman, and Every Orthodontist's Dream Kirsten Dunst is still Mary Jane.

Courage,
Mike G.

Not Enough Hours In The Day...

Like most fans of 24, we sometimes have to justify some of the odder things that happen during each day/season. There's been impromptu torture sessions [electrical wire and Laser Floyd], terrorists with all kinds of bad accents, the most tactless IT person of all time, rogue nukes, killer viruses, and even cougar attacks.

Worse yet, 24 is beginning to suffer from The Island Effect.

As in Gilligan's.

Basically, the Island Effect occurs when the strongest plot device of a show becomes it's weakest. Examples:

The Shield
Sure, it's a complex and gritty drama, but the main hook[how long can Vic Mackey stay ahead of his enemies] is becoming meaningless. It's becoming less and less of a issue. You no longer question if he's going to get away this time, because the show's been picked up for another season.

Lost
Again, the strengths of this show are rapidly turning into weaknesses. This is a side argument, but it seems that the runaway success of the show has taken the creative team by surprise. So much so, that there seems to be no coherent thread throughout.

Now with the recent deaths of President Palmer and Michelle Dessler, 24 is adding some unpredictability to the mix. But like the above shows, there's a Catch-22. If Jack Bauer doesn't save the day, there's not much of a reason to watch. But if he succeeds, it's not much of a shock.

Oh well, hopefully Kim will show up in a few hours/weeks.

Courage,
Mike G.

The Road is Long...

Here's some pics of the Wrestlemania Axxess tour bus. They made a quick stop at TicketStock this year, and later tonight WWE Legend Hillbilly Jim is hosting a No Way Out party in Sherman.


You know, that's an excellent example of how high quality parts can improve any chassis.


you can't tell by the pictures, but this year Ticketstock coincided with Winter Blast 2006. This made stepping outside the Plano Centre a very dubious proposition.

Courage,
Mike G.

Obscure Trivia...

Back in 1998, the then-named WWF put on a pay-per-view event entitled No Way Out. Under the threat of legal action by WCW, the event was renamed No Way Out Of Texas.

Anyways, here's a quick and dirty breakdown of the matches set for this Sunday.

Nine-Man Cruiserweight Championship Match

Almost all of the Cruiserweight Division will be gunning after current champ Gregory Helms in a match sure to feature any number of suicidal moves and death-defying leaps. While I'd like to see one of the Mexicools or even Brian Kendrick win the title, I see the former Hurricane retaining the title after some nefarious doings.

WWE Tag Team Champions MNM vs. Matt Hardy & Mystery Partner

Sadly, MNM seem to have cornered Smackdown's tag team market. Whoever Matt recruits to be his partner will not be enough to take their titles. A quick look at the Smackdown roster leads me to think that Matt's partner might be a WWE blast from the past. Of course, my wish [one of the junior division, maybe Super Porky] will probably not happen.

JBL vs. Bobby Lashley

JBL has remained a strong heel, even without the WWE Title. Recently his ire has been directed towards Bobby Lashley, who has yet been defeated in singles competition. This is a bit of a retro style match. Two guys have a problem with each other, and after circumstances that have prevented them from meeting face-to-face, they finally have a chance to settle things. I see the Lashley experiment continuing, so I'll say he takes this one.

Booker T vs. Chris Benoit for the United States Championship

Booker has done something unique in defending the US title twice without actually stepping into the ring. Tomorrow, Chris Benoit[The World's Best Technical Wrestler] gets another shot. As I have done every single time a PPV preview features Benoit, I predict he will win back his title, leading him back on the road to the WWE Championship.

Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton

In a somewhat shocking move, Rey won the 2006 Royal Rumble. This usually means you have a first-class ticket to Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, Rey has to defend his opportunity against Randy Orton. In an uncomfortable blend of real life and wrestling storylines, Randy has been calling out Rey by running down his late friend Eddie Guerrero. I'm not sure how this will pan out, but I'm hoping to see Rey in that Wrestlemania main event. I won't be shocked if it doesn't happen, though.

World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. Undertaker

This match owes a lot to random chance. And Mark Henry.

When he got hurt in a match with Mark, World Heavyweight Champion Batista had to vacate the title, which was won by Kurt Angle. After defeating Mark at the Rumble, The Undertaker entered the arena in a horse-drawn chariot. He then called down lightning to destroy the ring, all the while giving the international "I want the belt" hand signal.

While putting the Belt on Angle may have been unplanned, it's been a good move. As much as I like The Undertaker, I don't see this as the right time for a title run. Besides, he still has to keep his Wrestlemania undefeated streak alive. Angle retains due to some unplanned interference, which sets up a match with Undertaker at Mania.

Courage,
Mike G.

p.s. The US Women's Curling team had one of their best games today, defeating Italy 11-3. Sadly, they're almost mathematically eliminated from advancing to the semi-finals.

Clarifying...

Perhaps I wasn't too clear last post.

More specifically, I think the Johnson Sisters have a nice, small town, girl-next-door quality.

Sorry, but not every girl I write about is going to be a Melissa Theuriau or a Keeley Hazell.

By the way, congrats to the girls for winning their first match earlier today. They'll need to build on that win if they want any chance at all for medal contention.


Courage,
Mike G.

Hey Now...

While I'm not sure that they'll make me take up the sport, the US Women's Curling team is pretty easy on the eyes.

Courage,
Mike G.

Chuck Norris is Afraid...

Courage,
Mike G.

Heh...

Thanks to the fine folks at The Cotton Factory.

Courage,
Mike G.

And Now the Churn Delegation...

So I'm watching the opening ceremonies, and my first thought:

This is the greatest collection of odd hats in one place ever. From knit baseball caps with built-in pigtails for Germany, Kyrgyzstan's two-level sailing hats, Mongolia's fox-head creations, to the US berets that were made by a Canadian company.

Secondly, I'm not sure what to think about the countries that send one or two 'competitors'. I know that at its core, the Olympics should be about international cooperation and understanding, but I'm wondering how much easier it would be if the Olympic Comittee just sent them a few pins and t-shirts and told them to stay home. Also, by the time the games are over, we'll be treated to an assault of touching vignettes about the Argentinian entry in the biathalon, and how due to bad planning he was unable to bring his skis to the event. [I made that part up]

And I'm curious as to what might happen about nine months from now. By the time the closing ceremonies wrap up, folks will be able to say "No really, I'll call you." in about 4 different languages.

Courage,
Mike G.

No Chocolates?

An early Valentine's Day gift for you, the Churn Nation:

Thank you Boing Boing!

Shout-Outs...

Every so often, we here at Churn like to give a bit of a thank-you to our readers. So here's a few of our recent visitors, courtesy of the fine folks at Sitemeter:

Central Missouri State University
Founded in 1871, CMSU is located in Warrensburg, just outside Knob Noster State park. Go Mules!

University of North Texas
Home of the Mean Green, UNT is located in Denton, TX. Interestingly enough, the college radio station's call letters are a bit out of order, though I'm not sure why...

University of Maryland
Home of the Fighting Terps, their women's basketball team defeated No. 1 ranked North Carolina earlier today.

Boeing
Producers of everything from the 747 jet, the JDAM missle, and the Space Shuttle. Of course, that's only a few of the things that are listed in print. I would assume they have their catalog of Death-Rays and Mindwarp tools in a more private place.

HM Revenue and Customs
As in Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs; they're a bit like the US IRS, with a bit of Labor Department and some Border Patrol thrown in. They also handle some environmental issues.

These are a few of the visitors that Churn sees. Granted, most of them come here in the hope I've posted another Keeley or Lucy bikini shot, but a few come back, which is pretty cool.

Courage,
Mike G.

p.s. Some other visitors included Lockheed-Martin, Halliburton, Raytheon [I've apparently got a Military Industrial Complex fanbase]

Bowl Thought 2...

And what's with the semi-wearing of football jerseys [almost like a scarf or odd necktie]?

Mike G.

Bowl Thoughts 1...

Good God, when will Burger King's ad folks stop smoking crack?

Courage,
Mike G.

I Still Think it's Funny...

taken on Greenville Avenue 1-26-06
Originally uploaded by thesporq.

Was bored, so I thought I'd show you the sign I was talking about way back when.

Courage,
Mike G.

Who Gets The Nice Bedroom?

Even though I'm no longer appearing there on a semi-weekly basis, I still listen on occasion to 1310AM The Ticket.

The afternoon show, The Hardline has a recurring segment that's slightly dark but sometimes fascinating. Not only do they subscribe to the theory of the trifecta, or belief that bad things come in groups of threes, but they also hold that the the three unfortunate souls must share a three bedroom apartment in the afterlife.

So we've got feminist author Betty Friedan, beloved actor Al Lewis, and less than 24 hours for the third tenant.

Could it be Dick Bass?

Or is there someone waiting in the wings, so to speak?

And we haven't even discussed how they're going to split up the weekly chores once they find their third.

Courage,
Mike G.

To Your Health?

So I'm wondering...

Does anyone else like to drink orange juice mixed in with an equal amount of sweetened iced tea?

How about Coke and Sprite?

Just wondering.

Courage,
Mike G.

To Insure...Progress?

Mark Evanier writes Groo The Wanderer.

That alone should earn him your undying respect and gratitude. Oh, you should include Sergio Aragones too, since he's the one who draws him.

But Mark also has his blog, and recently he posed a question on tipping. Any longtime Churn Readers [besides me and...me] will remember that back in 2005 I voiced my own concerns on the subject. The reason it's on Linds' blog is that it was a guest post during last years Blogathon.

Anyway, I thought that maybe Mark or his legions of fan could help me, so I sent him this, which is also posted on his blog, along with his response:

Even though this is only slightly related to your question, I hope either you or
your readers can help me out.

Are we as a society at the point where we can't question the act of tipping? [or have we been here all this time, and no one told me about it?]

Should I just stop asking why I have to subsidize the service economy?

If a plate with filet Mignon weighs about the same as a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, why do I have to tip more?

At the very least, I'd like to know where the boundary line between what the employer's paying for, and what my tip is paying for. In the example you gave, isn't the bellhop supposed to handle your baggage for you? Unless I'm mistaken, he was
likely hired by the hotel to do just that, among other things. If we're talking about asking someone in the next room to carry your bags, that's a different story.

Is the tip a plea so your bags won't get thrown down the stairs, or rifled through by the staff? Or is it a bribe so they'll do it to someone else's? And what if they did it anyway? "Wow, that meal was great. And, because I said no pickles and there were no pickles, I'll throw in another 8%"

I will admit, so far in my life I've yet to work in a field where tipping was a
part of my livelihood, so my perspective might be skewed.

Look, Ticketmaster sticks you for a 'service charge', why can't other places do it
too? At least you won't have to wonder what formula to use, or you could choose
to avoid places that have them.

After reading his reply, I'm not sure if I'm totally convinced. What bothers me is that his pragmatic answer boils down to "its the way it's always been done", and the philosophical one really isn't a nicety, when you think about it. If the business world and the government assume you're going to tip anyway, than the level of service is no longer part of the equation. Somehow we've managed to put the 'guilt' of not tipping on ourselves.

I have nothing against the service industry. I just think we should be honest with each other. If I tip x percent, what service will I get? If I choose not to tip the maid service at my hotel, will they only give me one handtowel and a smashed mint on the floor? When I go out to eat, how much money will make sure my iced tea never gets empty?

How about we just call them bribes? Or, in this age of Abramhoff, strategic lobbying?

Courage,
Mike G.

Ominous Rumblings...

Actually, it's just the one. Tomorrow marks the return of the Royal Rumble, and the annual Road To Wrestlemania. I'll be giving you a breakdown of the matches on the card, followed by my take on the Rumble match itself. [Smackdown matches in blue, RAW in red]

JBL vs. The Boogeyman

I could complain about the overall absurdity of this match, but I have to give the WWE credit for having a feud develop over more than one week. The Boogeyman was intended to be some sort of malevolent demon in the vein of The Undertaker, but then was recast as a character forced upon Smackdown by UPN executives. For some reason, The Boogeyman and his worm/cancer eating have clicked with the fans. I see JBL taking this match, due to a Flavor Flav run-in where he attacks The Boogeyman for ripping off his big clock gimmick.

Mickie James vs. Ashley - Trish Stratus as special referee

I have high expectations for this match, even though it's just a placeholder for the inevitable Mickie/Trish match at Wrestlemania. Their relationship has taken some nicely creepy turns, with Mickie descending from admiration to dangerous obsession. WWE did make a false step trying to gild the lily with some lesbian overtones, but they seemed to catch on quickly. Diva Search winner Ashley seems to be the odd woman out here, but I'm sure she'll wear something to keep the fan's attention. Mickie cheats to win, but Trish catches her and awards the pin to Ashley. Mickie is enraged and destroys both of them.

Open Invitational Match for the Cruiserweight Championship

As of this writing, there is little info about the details of this match. In fact, it's unknown if there will be more than one opponent. I expect that the match details will depend on the rest of the show. Last year's Rumble almost ran over the three-hour mark, so I see this match acting as a safety valve. No matter what the match turns out to be, I see Kid and his almost infringing theme music retaining the belt.

World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry

Necessity is the mother of invention, and so is this match. WWE was planning on Batista headlining Wrestlemania, but a pair of injuries have put him on the shelf for the near future. This left Smackdown without a champion. WWE's solution to this problem was found in Kurt Angle, who jumped from RAW to claim the Big Gold Belt. In an odd twist, Angle's opponent is the same person who quite possibly caused Batista's injury, Mark Henry [brought in by MNM manager Melina as a bodyguard during their sexual harassment angle]. Mark's actually been under WWE contract for 10 years, but injuries and various failed gimmicks have kept him off of the air. The end result? Angle gets to headline another Wrestlemania, and Henry gets carried to a quality match as he spends the rest of his contract back in Silsbee, TX.

WWE Champion Edge vs. John Cena

After surviving the Elimination Chamber at New Years Revolution, John Cena seemed sure to take the WWE Title to the Rumble and eventually, Wrestlemania. However, Edge seized the opportunity and cashed in his Money in the Bank title shot[won at last year's Wrestlemania]. After two spears, Edge claimed the WWE championship. In the weeks afterward, Edge has proven to be more than a 'placeholder' champ, though I would feel better if he got a new belt, rather than Cena's spinning 'bling belt'. Speaking of which, Edge's popularity could be bad news for Cena, whose 'Chain Gang/Thuganomics' persona is becoming less popular with the live crowds. Edge retains to headline Wrestlemania, which leads us to...

The Royal Rumble Match

The rules are simple. Two wrestlers start out in the ring and at regular intervals, another wrestler enters until all 30 have been called. A wrestler must leave the ring over the top rope and have both feet touch the floor to be eliminated. The last man standing wins the Rumble, and a title shot at Wrestlemania.

On the RAW side we have:

1) ROB VAN DAM - Making his return after almost a year on the shelf due to injury

2) BIG SHOW - Always a formidible opponent in the Rumble

3) KANE - My personal dark horse winning pick

4) SHAWN MICHAELS - Will get screwed by Mr. Mcmahon; furthering their angle

5) TRIPLE H - Never underestimate his ability to turn the spotlight back on himself

6) CHRIS MASTERS - Fortune Brands sues Chris for trademark infringement, forcing him to quit wrestling forever

7) CARLITO - Eats an apple, gets destroyed by Kane

8) TREVOR MURDOCH - Is it too late for him to reunite with Lance Cade in a Brokeback Mountain gimmick? It worked so well for Billy and Chuck

9) SHELTON BENJAMIN - Miscues with his mama lead to early elimination, and in a dramatic scene, we see tempers flare between pretend Mother and Son

10) VISCERA - If he makes it through the entire match without humping anything, it's a victory for everyone.

11) CHAVO GUERRERO - his performance will prove whether he or I profitted more off of the death of his uncle Eddie.

12) JONATHAN COACHMAN - Will suck

13) RIC FLAIR - If you never got to see your grandfather prance about in a feathered sparkly robe and subsequently get beaten to a bloody pulp, here's your chance

SMACKDOWN gives us:

1) CHRIS BENOIT - One of the greatest wrestlers ever. Sadly will not win, but will make a good showing

2) REY MYSTERIO - Rumors are swirling about a title shot and possibly a title run. Would be strange to have a World Champ that couldn't ride most roller coasters

3) RANDY ORTON - Calls in his favor to Booker T who refuses, leading to a match at the next Smackdown PPV

4) MATT HARDY - Gets eliminated early due to his trying to figure out where he went wrong in life

5) ORLANDO JORDAN - With a bisexual angle heading his way, Orlando tries to distract himself by staring at a copy of his credit card statement

6) LASHLEY - Makes the final five, but his Small Voice renders him unable to intimidate the other wrestlers, leading to his elimination

7) SYLVAN - He's still French, right?

8) ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL - A great wrestler back in the day, his roly-polyness proves to be his downfall

9) JOHNNY NITRO - Discovers to his horror that HE'S Joey Mercury, which causes a complete breakdown

10) JOEY MERCURY - Vice Versa

11) SIMON DEAN - Half-heartedly competes, all the while remembering his time as Nova. Also questions why WWE gave him a Segway replica, instead of the real thing

12) BOOKER T - See Randy Orton

13) SUPER CRAZY - Thanks his lucky stars he cut ties with Juventud

14) PSICOSIS - Ditto


Note that there are still 3 spots unaccounted for, which leaves the door open for a surprise celebrity entrant, a returning wrestler, or a debut. Also, Vince McMahon will draw the entry numbers himself on the PPV, rather than before the show. This may affect the betting line, so be forewarned.

Courage,
Mike G.

Overcompensating?

"I'm done doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, "something that kills people." And in that purpose I was a success. I've done this, because philosophically I'm sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut."

-Hattori Hanzo 'Kill Bill'

I give to you the Gillette Fusion:



Yup, five blades. And that doesn't even count the trimmer blade on the back.

I bought one of these yesterday, but frankly, I'm afraid to even open the package for fear that I'll somehow sever a major artery. Gillette also makes a battery powered version, but I think there's some sort of federally mandated waiting period before you can buy one.

But somehow, I can't help but feel we've been here before.

Courage,
Mike G.

2 Legit...

Thank you Noisebot!



Courage,
Mike G.

An Ode To...

The sweet Katie from SpikeTV's King Of Vegas.

Would that I could be the river card that completes the straight flush draw in your heart.

Courage,
Mike G.

Don't Forget...

The new Season of WWE Fantasy begins tomorrow night at 7:00 PM Eastern Monday night. You can still sign up here, and be sure to join our league "P1WAC 2.0"

Good luck to all,
Mike G.

It's All About Context...

8:17 PM.

Apparently, one cannot say the word 'scrotum' on the cable channel AMC, at least when they're broadcasting the first Austin Powers movie. The word occurs during Dr. Evil's famous monologue describing his youth: [don't forget to do the voice too]

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

Somehow I fear that mentioning that word twice is going to put Churn in some odd web searches.

Courage,
Mike G.

Eww To The Nth Power...

So what bothers me is that apparently this person knew exactly what they were looking for, and was just unsure of the entire URL. I do think it's funny that they're looking for the retro stuff, since I suppose the modern day version doesn't have the charm of the old school. Maybe there's no sense of mystery anymore, like there used to be. [I have no idea]

The elapsed time tells me that they looked around the site for a while, perhaps thinking the 'good stuff' was hidden a few pages in. Technically, it's all Roger Ebert's fault, since it was his quote in my Planet of the Apes post that led to the search result.

And to think, I used to complain that the only people visiting Churn were those looking for Keeley Hazell pictures and the meaning of "Stand Back, Burrito".

Courage,
Mike G.

A Simple Hypothetical...

Say one fine day, you're minding your own business when suddenly-

DOG MAULING!

Most of your face is now a distant memory, and there's little hope of you leading a normal life.

But a group of doctors and surgeons band together and, in a history making operation, perform the world's first face transplant.

Early fears of rejection do arise, but they subside and the prognosis is good.

So, what do you do?

Well, if you're the French lady in question, you crack open a carton of Pall Malls and start to puffin' with your new lips.

Granted, I find it difficult to put myself in her shoes, but I'm fairly certain that most heart transplant patients don't go on a Thickburger bender.

Courage,
Mike G.

Face It Tiger...

I am confused.

Everyone's favorite site Ain't It Cool has dropped some bigtime info on the Spider-Man 3. In addition to The Sandman and a mystery villain, Sam Raimi's tossing in another member of Spidey's supporting cast. Now that you've read the article, let's discuss.

So, who's Gwen Stacy? As always, we go To The Internet! [insert music sting]

Oh, here's a pic of a Gwen Stacy statue released a few years ago:



On a more basic level, Gwen is seen as almost the boundary line between what's known as the Silver and Modern Comic Ages. Arnold T. Blumberg gets crazy deep in that issue here.

But for the vast majority of fans, none of this matters, which really bugs me. As a comic book fan/geek/nerd, I've had to sit idly by as directors, screenwriters, studios and and nameless people in suits pore over characters I've loved for years and change them at will, so they can make scenes cheaper to film, or to avoid some aspect of the character that might take time to explain.

I've had to deal with organic web-shooters with Spider-Man, Jessica Alba as Susan Storm/Richards, A Dr. Doom with no Latveria, A Hulk movie that delves into inane discussion of fathers and sons [by the way, the word is that for the proposed sequel, he'll be smaller], and Ben. Affleck. [fine, Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin wasn't bad]

What's worse, the movie Tail winds up wagging the comic Dog, introducing new concepts in the very comics that inspired the films [organic webs]

Pointing out these inconsistencies does nothing but make you out as an obsessed comic fan. It's just more shuffling of characters and situations that doesn't seem necessary.

Courage,
Mike G.

Last-Minute Addition...

Almost forgot...UK Pinup model Lucy Pinder needs to be on that list too.


Courage,
Mike G.

Begging: Day 1

In honor of the leadup to my birthday, I'll be listing a small collection of things that, should I acquire them, will no doubt solve all my problems and make me happy.



In honor of the new season of 24, Glarkware has released a shirt that sings the praises of everyone's favorite CTU analyst.

2. Star Wars Transformers

Two of my pillars of Geekiness have combined. Series 2 was announced last month, and Series 1 should be in stores now.

3. The eVo3

If I ever bite the bullet and sell enough plasma for the new Ipod, I'll be wrapping it up in one of these babies.


More when my greed flares up again,

Courage,
Mike G.

Live at 5...and 5:30, 6:00, 9:00, and 10:00

A kind of mixed bag today...we've got a general observation and a personal anecdote, and then you can get back to your families.

For the past few hours we've been inundated by the droning of helicopters. As near as I can figure out, there's been a very serious [read: camera-friendly] fire a few miles from Churn HQ, and every news chopper in town is there to record the scene.

I'm wondering when one of these stations will outfit their copter with a full complement of air-to-air missles and a 30mm automatic Boeing M230 Chain Gun.

"When we say exclusive coverage, we MEAN it!"

And now the anecdote.

I had decided today to try and replicate one of my mom's dishes, her famous [in our house, at least] mexican rice. I did call her for some advice, but it was a bit hard for her to break down the recipe into small steps. A lot of her cooking knowledge comes from experience, and it's hard to express that over the phone. I did add my own touches in sauteing some garlic and onions, and I may have added a bit too much Consomate [tomato and chicken bouillon cubes] but I think it wasn't half bad.

Courage,
Mike G.

Wanting Some, and Getting Said Some...

The time has come again to challenge for that most revered prize in our industry, the WWE Fantasy Wrestling Belt:



Ok, maybe it's not the real Big Gold Belt and only a kid's plastic replica, but it still symbolizes the heart and dedication that goes into crafting a successful fantasy season.

Speaking of which, Season 6 begins in less than two weeks, and our team P1WAC 2.0 is looking for competitors. Simply go to WWE Fantasy and sign up. Once you've created your team, look for our Team Name [P1WAC 2.0] and join up. Afterwards, please come back here and drop off your team name in the comments thread below.

Good luck.
You'll need it.

Courage,
Mike G.

Ewww...

So Telemundo was showing Tim Burton's "re-imagining" of Planet of the Apes last night, And while the FX were amazing, I still get a bit creeped out watching it. If you haven't seen it yet, I'm sorry, but you've had five years to see it on accident.

On to the creepiness...So Marky Mark lands on the aforementioned planet, apes are running the show, blah blah blah. He's captured, but one ape feels sorry for him and helps him escape[Ari, played by Helena Bonham Carter]:



Soon after that, Marky Mark and the girl monkey find a group of rebel humans, along with the daughter of their leader, played by model/actress Estella Warren [She'll be the one in the middle]:



During the movie, there's a fair bit of sexual tension, but I'll let Roger Ebert explain from his review:

...wants to be all things to all men, and all apes...It's a social satire and then backs away from pushing that angle too far. It even has a weird intra-species romantic triangle in it.

It could have supported, or attacked, the animal rights movement. It could have dealt with the intriguing question of whether a man and a gorilla having sex is open-mindedness, or bestiality (and, if bestiality, in both directions?).

Yikes.

Sure, Corpse Bride may have been about marrying dead people, but at least they were all the same species.

Courage,
Mike G.

Predictin'...

I caught some of Larry King's interview with Howard Stern, and it got me to thinking about what might happen in the future of radio. Of course, I had a very minor dalliance in radio, thanks to Richard and the P1WAC. In fact, Richard got to be a part of Stern's final terrestial radio broadcast and even blogged about it.

And now my prediction, which is being made without the troublesome bother of supporting evidence.

I think that either Sirius or XM will declare bankruptcy in the next year and a half, leaving their subscribers with worthless pieces or plastic. Either that, or one company will absorb the other. To me, it looks like both companies are spending way too much money chasing after the same audience. They're slashing the costs of the receivers, hoping to make up the costs on the subscriber fees. They're spending more money to sign up celebrities, musicians, and other personalities to exclusive deals. Beyond that, whole sports are being divvied up between the two.

I've heard people bring up the fact that both DirecTV and Dish Network have been around for a while, but the only major difference is the Sunday Ticket package.

The exclusivity factor is a double-edged sword; you don't have to choose between Comcast or Cable One if you want Comedy Central.

The commercial-free aspect of satellite radio is enticing to many, but remember when we were told that cable wouldn't have commercials? I think that it will be just a matter of time before they start airing them to generate more income. I also predict that the fees will go up, but not the basic monthly charge. More channels will become 'premium' or 'ultra' stations along with the sports.

Finally, I suspect that a lot of people will shell out the money for a receiver and a few months of service, and realize that maybe they don't need 8 hours of jazz fusion.

There is every possibility that I'll be proved 100% dead wrong on all of these points. But if my prediction comes true, I fully reserve the right to dance about the streets, giggling madly.

Which isn't too different from my regular Friday night.

Courage,
Mike G.

Ooooohhhh...

an actual product

MAN 1: "Hey, you got my TV in your Batman!"

MAN 2: "Well, you got your Batman in my TV!"

BOTH: "Wait a minute..."



Courage,
Mike G.

Fancy That...

For some reason, I was unaware that most ovens have a drawer to store large pans and cookie sheets.

Also, congrats to the Texas Longhorns on winning the BCS Championship. With Notre Dame and the Cowboys losing this past weekend, it was some small measure of joy.

Courage,
Mike G.

A Bit More Disclosure...

So I've been told I didn't have much of a conclusion to my recent tale. To be honest, there wasn't much of one.

After a school break, she just stopped showing up. There were one or two emails, but that stopped too. I took it in stride, mainly because I try and keep my expectations low.

I was speaking with raconteur and man about town Devin of the Swamp, where I accidentally dropped hints of another instance where I abandoned common sense.

Back in 2004, I blogged about my hidden life as a part of the odd duck known as fanfic. During that time, I veered away from the original porpose of that group until it turned into an early version of what you see now.

Anyways, the two-part story can be seen here and here.

Finally, in refernce to our conversation earlier today, here's a snippet from my blog on August 6, 2004:

The problem occurs when you forget that at the end of the day, it's a Superhero film. You can have all the character development and emotional resonance you want, if Superman doesn't blast Mongul with heat vision and punches him into orbit, I want a refund.

Case in point:Hulk.

Yes, the Hulk did some cool stuff, like throwing tanks and catching missles. But Ang Lee decides to prove that he's not just slumming, and decides to psychoanalyze these characters. I will grant that Hulk, with its use of comic-book style panels and editing looked closer to an actual comic that just about any other movie.

Courage,
Mike G.

Son Of A...

This blog very rarely delves into the world of Sport, but with Washington's victory over Philadelphia a few minutes ago, I thought I should say something.

I'm no big Cowboys fan, but I've found that living in a football city has its quirks. Like it or not, things are just better when the 'Boys are winning. People are easier to deal with, and the usual annoyances become less of a problem.

Now, the Metroplex has to deal with months of second-guessing and grousing til the draft.

But I mostly feel bad for my Dad and the retro-logo cap he bought in anticipation of a Cowboys playoff run.

Courage,
Mike G.

Oh, Happy New Year to you and yours.

Fine, You Jackals!

Note: my readers aren't jackals. It just has a nice ring to it.

So, where did I leave off? Oh yes, I was in a virtual relationship with someone. While the cynic in me can barely stop laughing every time I look back on this time in my life, I try and put a positive spin on it. Maybe the other person was looking for someone to talk to, and the virtual aspect allowed her to lose some of her insecurities.

While it never got 'serious' [as serious as these things can get] I did look forward to our chats. I was working through a rough patch in my life, and they provided a little escape. Maybe it was a huge prank on her end, but frankly, it doesn't matter.

If I am guilty of anything, it's these two nuggets of schmaltz. It was during the height of our 'courting' and all I can say is that I was not using all of my critical thinking skills.

Moment 1.

Trying to sound thoughtful and semi-romantic, I wrote that even though we were far apart [I don't believe I ever asked where she was from] at night we could see the same stars in the sky. At the time, I was unaware that I was plagiarizing a track from the An American Tail soundtrack, sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram. To her credit, that particular chat session wasn't posted across the Internet for all to see. Of course, back in the mid-90's the Net had limited experience with massive P2P, unlike today.

Moment 2.

I hate to admit this one, since I've used it several times since, with some success.

When chatting wasn't possible, we would exchange quick emails. I thought a nice touch would be something that was more than a nickname, but less than a pet name. I had a problem thinking of one, until I turned on my CD player.

I'm no music expert, but I think almost everyone has or had a copy of the Best of Simon and Garfunkel. Just about every track on that CD is greatness, and it was during 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' that it hit me.

I started addressing her as SilverGirl. Not wanting to waste our planet's resources, I recycled that bit a few years ago during a chance meeting in an airport. [I believe I've written on this before, but I'm too lazy to look it up.] I have no idea what Simon or Garfunkel meant in using that name, and I don't care.

So there you have it. I'm not sure where this ranks on the embarrassment scale. It has some pretty stiff competition; there's my boxing match with a Roller Derby girl, being wired for sound at a strip club, or throwing oranges at a portly man while reciting free verse.

Courage,
Mike G.

Whoops...

Sorry for the lateness, just wanted to add my own wishes for a happy and safe holiday season. For my part, I've been playing host to my parents this week. Thanks to my mom, I've discovered what my furniture looks like without a nice undercoating of dust.

Anyways, be sure to hug your loved ones and tell them how important they are.

As for the previous post...

It was a spur of the moment premise that nested in my brain and wouldn't leave until I had committed it to paper [or screen]. Now that it's been indexed by Google and made a permanent part of the Internet, I can get some sleep.

Courage,
Mike G.

Did You Know?

Aside from being one of the finest professionsal wrestlers in the last 20 years, 'Canadian Crippler' Chris Benoit has a more artistic side.

While documented evidence is hard to come by, several anonymous sources have revealed a strange connection between the professional wrestler and one of the most famous pop singers of the 80's.

Deborah/Debbie Gibson, known for her bubblegum music and later for her pictorial in Playboy, was in a state of crisis. The time was late 1988, and all eyes were on her. The success of her first album[Out of the Blue] led to high hopes for a repeat performance. With two months left until her second album was due, Debbie was still missing that one big MTV/radio single. Things were looking grim.

Before his impressive runs in WWE, WCW and ECW, Chris Benoit competed abroad in New Japan Pro Wrestling. It was there where he honed his skills as the masked wrestler Wild Pegasus. Like most wrestlers, Chris worked various side jobs to make ends meet. One of these jobs was as a freelance writer. Knowing that few publications would hire a professional wrestler, he submitted his articles under the pseudonym Bernard Hengstrom. His articles were published in various titles such as Omni, Wine Spectator, Psychology Weekly, and Model Airplane News.

Two wildly separate lives were about to collide.

Debbie Gibson's management were getting anxious. They had suggested bringing in a songwiter to assist Debbie, but she flatly refused. She had written all of the tracks on her first album[Out of the Blue], and while she insisted that her recent struggles were only temporary, friends would later recall she was in a state of near panic.

With weeks before the album was due to be pressed, a secret plan was set into motion. Over 15 songwriters were contacted by third parties hired by her label. They even scoured the hundreds of unsolicited songs mailed to the office every day. An elaborate cover story was devised to maintain deniability. Once a likely candidate was found, they would then drop subtle hints, hoping that a key phrase or chorus would spark Debbie out of her creative rut.

Two weeks earlier Benoit had penned his first song, the product of a dare. The legendary Jushin 'Thunder' Liger had challenged Benoit to write a pop song after discovering one of his articles in an issue of Delta Sky. Raising the stakes, Liger added a $50 bonus if he sent it to a record company. Confident that his song would go directly into a trash can, Benoit dropped a manila envelope containing 'Electric' into the mailbox.

At this point, the facts become less clear. Sources familiar with Benoit's song insist that 'Electric' is a near copy of 'Electric Youth' with some minor changes. Debbie and her management have never wavered from the position that she personally wrote all her songs. No evidence of Benoit's song has been found, and Chris himself catergorically denies any involvement. However, new WWE wrestlers are told to leave a copy of Debbie's album in Benoit's locker, as a rite of initiation. The retribution is said to be quite painful.

Courage,
Mike G.

Marvel Movie Madness...

Sony has released some teaser footage of Nicolas Cage in character as Ghost Rider. Churn has previously shown images of his motorcycle, complete with flame effects.

From looking at the footage, I'm fairly impressed so far. I'm guessing one of the problems the film makers are grappling with is what to do about Ghost Rider's eyes. Since he does have a flaming skull, most artists have kept his eye sockets empty. This makes him a very mysterious and ominous figure.

And this is where the worlds of Comics and Movies collide. Just like in the case of Spider-Man having organic web-shooters in the movie, when for almost 40 years they were inventions of his own design, derivations from the source material will be made.

Hollywood is usually very reluctant to hide the eyes of actors. Even in special effects laden projects, they argue that if you can't tell who the actor is under the makeup/latex/CGI, then hiring that 'name' actor is kind of pointless.

While it's hard to tell from those few seconds of film, I would expect there to be some way to tell that Nic Cage is under those digital effects.

Courage,
Mike G.

Setting The Scene...

Sophomore Year.

Had moved to the single dorms, after deciding that a community bathroom was worth having my own space.

Honestly, I've blocked most of the whole experience out of my mind. I do remember some details though.

I wasn't savvy enough to figure out stuff like IRC clients and IM programs, but wired.com had a site that let you chat without installing anything.

I remember not being able to sleep, and thought some inane chatter would help.

I can't even recall her user name, but I do remember that I was impressed that she used proper spelling and punctuation.

And yes, I did grapple with the odds that I was conversing with some other lonely guy, but for the sake of my own sanity, I'm choosing to ignore that possibility.

More later,
Mike G.

Remember When...

Does anyone remember talk.com?

I'm not talking about the VOIP company that pops up when you enter that address, but the java based chat client that was part of the HotWired Network oh so long ago. [like the mid 90s]

Well, it was there where I made the now-classic Internet mistake, Falling For Someone You've Never Seen Face To Face.

I'll write more about it in a later installment.

Courage,
Mike G.

Paying It Forward...

A special Churn note of thanks to the very lovely Samantha Burns and her self-titled site. Through some bizarre set of coincidences, Churn showed up on her blog roll and to her credit, she didn't immediately smash her computer and plunge it in a vat of holy water.

Courage,
Mike G.

Am I Missing Something?

Ok, in the first Back To the Future, Claudia Wells played Marty McFly's girlfriend.

But when parts 2 and 3 rolled around, Ms. Wells was nowhere to be found, and Elizabeth Shue was the girlfriend. I don't think I ever really noticed that before.

Courage,
Mike G.

Awkward...

I read where the founder of the vegan movement died today at the ripe old age of 95. Sadly, I was enjoying a foot-long Subway Italian B.M.T at the time, followed by a beef stock chaser.

Courage,
Mike G.

Unclenching...

For about an hour or two, I was grappling with the possibility that this blog had been swallowed up by the ether.

I suppose it serves me right that I've made no steps toward actually saving this stuff. I realize it might not mean much to anyone else, but I'm selfish that way.

Since I'm no technical wizard, is anyone familar with a way to actually archive this stuff?

Courage,
Mike G.

Who Knew?

Like a lot of people, I will carry with me stereotypes and assumptions without ever checking them out.

Until about five minutes ago, I had always assumed that Wings' song Jetcontained a lyric where the gender of the 'major' was in question.

Sorry Sir Paul, and thanks Google.

Courage,
Mike G.

It's the Commissioner, Old Chum...

Thanks to some public relations drone, I now present my new play-pretty:



Remember folks, the call of Justice, much like the call of nature, is one you can never put on hold.

Courage,
Mike G.

Keeping it Real Real...

My good pal Big Dick Hunter has the unique ability to get along with almost everyone. During his time at The Ticket, he interviewed people from just about every walk of life, and even if he disagreed with their opinions, he was always polite and respectful. The only thing that really irked him was dishonesty.

Enter Michael Irvin.

Richard has never been a fan of the 'Playmaker', but not because of his actions on or off the field. Rather, it was his penchant for bringing up his past bad behavior as a point of pride. According to Richard, it was like Michael never wanted you to forget that if he wanted to, he could nail every woman in the place.

With Michael's arrest earlier this week, I was wondering how Richard would respond. It didn't take long, as he wrote an article for The Dallas Sports Page, where you can download the issue for free. As a special bonus, Richard's also posted a recording of the time Irvin and Deion Sanders hosted a show on The Ticket, and their confrontation.

After you read the article, jump back to his blog for some secret info the Sports Page editors were afraid to publish.

Courage,
Mike G.

In Praise of a Sandwich...

This was to be a post about a wonderful sandwich I enjoyed yesterday.

Instead, I made the mistake of right-clicking 'paste' instead of 'copy'.

Ironically, it was to make sure I wouldn't lose the post.

Courage,
Mike G.

I'll try and reconstruct it later, after I finish pounding my head against the wall.

With two more weeks to go in this season of WWE Fantasy, Churn Life is finally back where they belong. As general manager of Churn Life, I'd like to thank everyone on our roster for all their hard work. It's hard to believe that we were once in next-to-last place, but we can't be complacent with two more weeks to go. Courage, Mike G
 

Home Again...

Hope everyone had a good holiday. It was nice to put my own life on hold for a few days and spend time with the family.

I did get volunteered for Black Friday duty, since noone else in the house was willing to brave the crowds at our local supercenter. All I can say is I hope that niece of mine appreciates what I went through so she could have that Cabbage Patch Baby. Of course, she's not even two years old, so she'll probably have as much fun with the box.

The dinner was a real family affair, and even though my pecan pie wasn't a complete success[a rare misfire], my pumpkin pie seemed to make up for it.

On the way home [thank you Southwest] I got to engage in a bit of people-watching, since I usually blend into the background pretty quickly. I got to witness your everyday Abercrombie and Fitch guy use every move at his disposal in an attempt to win over a very pretty young lady across the aisle. I was especially impressed by his tactic of linking 'common friends', when it was pretty clear that he had no clue. Unfortunately for him, the young lady's flight continued on to San Antonio. Best of luck to her and her future modeling plans, and better luck next time to Mr. Fitch.

Courage,
Mike G.

Weak Signal...

I'll be vacating Churn Central for a short while to celebrate Thanksgiving with the family. I'll try to make updates somehow, probably in the form of audio posts from the wilds of West Texas.

Hope everyone has a great Turkey day, and please be careful as you battle the crowds for that $68 digital camera on Friday.

Courage,
Mike G.

The Learning Corner...

When roasting potatoes, I've found it's best to use a glass dish, as the potatoes and seasonings will be less likely to stick and burn.

Also, while it may smack of suburbia and laziness, the recipe on the side of the Lipton soup package isn't half bad. [I would take care, as it's easy for the onion pieces to dry out and burn]

Courage,
Mike G.

Small Triumph...

It's hard to learn anything important from TV, but I saw something that really made me think today.

I don't think I've ever seen a better example of pure joy, vindication, bitterness and braggadocio than I saw on an episode of the Maury Povich Show.

It was one of his sure-to-be-classic 'Who's the Father' episodes where a young lady's previous encounters are tested to see if their DNA matches her [usually]adorable child.

When the young man is proven to not be the father, you would think the man in question scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. While I can understand some show of emotion, I might stop short of doing the Ickey Shuffle.

Just a small observation on a chilly afternoon.

Courage,
Mike G.

Sad Goodbye...

Reports are coming in that pro wrestler Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Sources are saying he may have died from a heart attack. 411 has a great summary of his career, so I won't try to duplicate it. WWE also has a quick retrospective here.

Eddie could work both sides of the heel/face persona to perfection. Even when he was given less than quality material to work with, he made the best of it. One of my favorite Eddie memories is his win at Wrestlemania 20 where he outsmarted Kurt Angle to retain the WWE Championship. Eddie's celebration with Chris Benoit after he won his first Heavyweight Championship is something special. WWE's been kind enough to post the video of that moment here.

My condolences to Eddie's family. It was known that Eddie had struggled with his share of demons, but he had been clear of them for a while now. So far, the news is that both RAW and SmackDown will be tribute shows.

Courage,
Mike G.

The Blogosphere Comes Through...

Special Churn thanks to Tivo Lovers for setting me straight.

I think the point about the extra features cuts both ways though. I don't want my recorder finding stuff for me, and I'm certainly smart enough to figure out when my favorite shows are on. If I want a show on my PC...well, that's what BitTorrent's for. Also, none of the networks can stop me from recording a show or erase the tape after a week. I just don't like how this new technology assumes that you're a moron that needs everything done for them automatically.

I just can't believe that there isn't a market for a simple PVR that doesn't require a monthly fee to use.

Courage,
Mike G.

Tivo Question...

While doing some Tivo research, I got confused about some of its features, and I was hoping that some of the more technically inclined members of the Churn Family could help.

As I understand it, unless you buy a Tivo with Dual Tuners, you won't be able to record one show while watching another.

That seems to be a huge drawback, since I'm able to do just that with my ancient VCR.

Secondly, since your standard DVR is just a big hard drive with some software attached, why aren't there more alternatives? I know there's 'homegrown' projects like MythTV out there, but I'm wondering why the market hasn't opened up.

Courage,
Mike G.

No Title Needed...

Sigh...

Keeley Hazell has a 2006 calendar out.

The folks at TeamGSB have been kind enough to post scans.

NSFW*NSFW*NSFW
I really don't want to get anyone fired or sent to HR for a meeting, so just wait till you get home.

For everyone else, enjoy.
NSFW*NSFW*NSFW

To balance that out, here's some cool clothes you can buy. As an added bonus, I get no cut out of any purchases you might make.

Courage,
Mike G.

So Far, So Good...

In another edition of my series of Comic Book Movie posts, it's been released all around the net that one of the villians in the next Spider-Man movie will be The Sandman, played by Thomas Haden Church.

For those unfamiliar, Flint Marko was bombarded with radiation after an experimental reactor exploded. He was left with the ability to convert his body to a sand-like material, and can even add to his mass and create weapons out of his own body. Here's a quick pic of the comic version of The Sandman:



And thanks to the fine folks at Sony, here's a promo image with Mr. Church:



The Spider-Man franchise has been the powerhouse for Marvel movie wise, and it looks like everything's on track for another good outing. The rumors are that this time around Spidey will be facing 3 villians, so I expect we'll hear word on them soon.

Courage,
MIke G.

A Poor Investment...

Big companies spend millions on research to find people who are likely to buy their products and services. Sometimes they'll spend tons of money to lure these people, treating them like an investment. Over the long run, they figure the money spent now will pay off in the future.

Somehow, I was pegged as ripe for the picking by the fine folks at Nordstrom. I'll be honest, the closest I've ever been to a Nordstrom is the GameStop two doors down. But there was something about the invite that really caught my eye.

...Complimentary meal in our bistro.

So I figure I'll have a free sandwich, look around, and be on my way. I decided I would dress up a bit for the occasion. By 'dress up' I mean jeans instead of shorts, and a long sleeve shirt. And no hat.

My first clue that I may have miscalculated was seeing the valet station. Seeing the actual 'bistro' was the second. It was about 4 times nicer than any place I've eaten for the past few years. I'm no hick, I'm just not that fancy. Also, I was a bit younger than the rest of the folks who were there.

I will say that everyone there was incredibly nice. I guess they must have thought I was some nouveau riche.

Some quick observations:

1. There is really no subtle way to ask the question, "Is this meal free?"
2. Upon receiving the answer to said question, it takes a bit of finesse to order a steak.[medium well, please]

After the meal[I felt ordering dessert would be taking advantage], we were invited to browse the store. I don't want to bore you kind folks any more with my ramblings, so I'll skip to the punchline...

I was unable to tell the difference between the 50 dollar T-Shirt and the 20 dollar T-shirt. I guess it's back to Old Navy for me, where if you're smart you can buy clothes by the pound.

Bottom line, I got to live way outside my means for a night. Special thanks to the marketing firm that picked my name out, and I hope someone else takes up the slack shopping wise, since the odds are pretty steep I'll be back without some sort of bribe.

Finally, I'd like to thank everyone for visiting Churn, and adding the feed to your various readers and aggregators. You can also sign up for Feedblitz and get the latest Churnings via email. It's located right at the bottom of the ad column, which has surpassed all my expectations by netting me a cool one dollar and fifty-seven cents.

Courage,

Mike G.

Look, WAY Up in the Sky...

Thanks to Newsarama for the info.

A few years ago, some IMAX theaters would show traditional 35mm films. They would be a bit on the grainy side, but still look pretty cool. But now they've developed a process to re-master the film to take advantage of the unique IMAX setup.

If you're able, I highly recommend seeing a film in the IMAX format. When Attack of the Clones came out, I had to see Yoda jumping and flipping about on a multi-story screen. Was worth it.

Courage,
Mike G.