Monday, August 30, 2004

With Great Power Comes Great...Human Resource Allocation?

QVC and Marvel are teaming up to sell motivational posters. Some of their choices, like the one above make some sense, but others left me scratching my head. Of course, none of this makes sense if you're not a fanboy. Your loss. If you'd like to see the rest, mosey here.

First off, Magneto and the concept of Possibilities? I'm certain that the idea of a charismatic and powerful individual with dreams of power and revolution is a good one to have around the office.

Thor and Leadership: Sure, it's easy to lead when you're a NORSE GOD.

This line could be really good with A few adjustments...

Obliterating the universe takes discipline. Don't lose sight of your goals.

Perspective/J. Jonah Jameson
Not everything is Spider-Man's fault. Just most of it.

No more competitors, no more competition.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

Saturday, August 28, 2004


Since every other show on TV features people talking about what happened last week, or last decade in nice orderly lists, Churn decided that to join in by officially marking the death of this particular trend. Churn has done this before by using the term 'bling' in ordinary conversation, collecting Pokemon cards, and wearing Zubaz striped pants. To differentiate approval and disproval of a news item, we'll be using the terms Churn-On and Churn-Off. So let's begin with Item #1...

Rebecca Gayheart to appear on FX's provocative drama Nip/Tuck

The former Noxema Girl and 90210 star will guest star as a blind woman on the popular and sometimes shocking show.

As this picture proves, she is incredibly attractive, and a stint on Nip/Tuck can only increase her exposure.


Now, with that exposure comes the unfortunate fact that, along with a resume that contains Urban Legend and Robin Cook's Invasion, she has something most actresses don't have.

A body count.

For those of you who don't remember, back in 2001 Ms. Gayheart struck and killed a nine-year old boy with her car. This site has more details of the incident. I'm not so sure I have anything else to add to that except...


Well, let's see if this catches on.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

Thursday, August 26, 2004

More Naked Women!!!

That is, as soon as three people click here, and sign up for one of the trials. They'll each get a Gmail Invite, and the rest of you will get some nudity.

Seems like a fair trade.

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Still Time...

The 3 GMail invites are still up for grabs for those kind souls willing to click here and take advantage of the free offers contained within.

Take Care,

Mike G.
Let's Try THIS...

Thanks to the people at GMail, I now actually have something to barter in exchange for your help.

The First 3 people who click on this link, and sign up will get a gmail invite from me provided they complete the registration and the free trial. I would recommend the infone service, as I use it myself and find it very helpful.

I will update this site Wednesday at approximately 11:00AM CST with more info.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Remember, this offer is valid only if this link is used, and upon verification of the user.

Monday, August 23, 2004


People sure do love Erica Durance.

Check that. People love Erica Durance emerging from a lake in little to no clothing.

I'm not sure what I can do to top that, as it seems that she makes up the bulk of visitors to Churn.

So, let's try embarrassing personal revelations.

Anyone around here ever heard of Fanfic? You know, when people sit down and write their own episodes of their favorite TV shows. Like that time when Doctor Who landed the TARDIS on Giligan's Island and helped the Castaways get back home. Or that episode of Drew Carey when he realizes he's always loved Oswald. Yeah, that kind of stuff. 99.99999% of the time, it's either creepy or stupid or a combination of the two.

With this sort of setup, you can't possibly miss where I'm going.

Guilty as charged.

Now, let me feebly defend myself. I only wrote one fanfic script, around March of 1998. I guess we should cue the Flashback Harps...

The following was written in June of 1998 for Could-Be-TV-News, the Newsletter of Chandler and Monica, a script-based sitcom, spun off from the fictional Friends series finale, which occurred sometime in the real series' 3rd season:

It was the beginning of my Junior year. while already trapped in the
> strands of the web, I was becoming slowly introduced to the world of
> Friends online. I was skimming through the script lists, when I
> stumbled onto the Shrine [former home of The Last One] I approached it
> with more than a little bit of apprehension. Unfortunately, the world
> of fanfic is a minefield that can leave scars much deeper than one
> would expect. [I know some of you out there are fanfic writers, so
> that last comment was not directed at you personally] Imagine my shock
> when I read the scripts...and enjoyed them! Like most of you I was all
> ready to dismiss the last one as a fluke, or random event, and was
> waiting to savagely rip the first episode of C&M. When that didn't
> happen, I immediately sent Dan notes of praise and congratulations. We
> continued to correspond, on occasion suggesting lines and such, until
> he suggested I try my hand at a script. Knowing the most I had ever
> written outside of class could fit on an envelope, I was taken aback.
> What started as a lowly .Txt file, after months of both furious
> writing and mindnumbing periods of nothing, "Beans and Fakes" spilled
> out. As a side note, that particular little script has logged over a
> thousand hits since being posted. Not a great achievement, but I am
> proud nonetheless.

Yup, not only did I write fanfic, I was also in charge of a newsletter devoted to this fake show. For about two years, I sent out messages to an audience that at one time was over 500 people. Then, when the show 'ended', I still wanted to write, so I sent out small stories of my life and other observations. When I discovered blogging, I abandoned the list for good and set up shop here. Thanks to the efforts of, you can actually judge for yourself if the time I spent writing and revising should have been spent actually talking to real people.

This is my first, and only contribution to scriptwriting.

This is a quick and dirty explanation of what C&M was...

This is's master page for the site. Click the links for 1999 and 2000.

And finally, click here for a look at what I used to do before landing here.

So, I've exposed some of my 'wild and crazy' past. While my more material side would ask for gifts and cash in exchange, I'm smart enough to know none of you would fall for it. Instead, I offer you a great opportunity. I am inviting you to sample, at little to no risk to you, products and services from such companies......

I can't do it.

You've waded this far, I'll cut it short. If you liked this story, or just didn't hate it, do me a favor and click here. Choose one of the trials and cancel after a few weeks. But hey, if you don't feel like it, that's fine too.

Take care,

Mike G.

Thursday, August 19, 2004


About 7 or 8 years ago, one of my roomates back in college had a certain CD with a track that he liked to play at almost all hours. About 5 minutes ago, I finally figured out the name of that certain song.

Clavado en un Bar, by Mana.

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Greed is Good...

Ok, so Wired posted a story about how a site is giving away free Ipods in exchange for trying out various services. As it turns out, the costs compare favorably to spending money on TV and other forms of media. And wonder of wonders, it seems to be legit. Always on the hunt for something for less than nothing, I figured what the hell?

So if you want to join in, please click Here.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

There's a Shiny Nickel In It For You!

Well, not really, but you would gain my utmost respect and love.

Yeah, that's not much better, is it?

Long story short, When someone Googles the word Churn, this site doesn't show up till the second page. On Yahoo, I'm result #175, same as Lycos. I'd like to change that, but I suffer from the twin maladies of sloth and ignorance. So that's where you guys come in.

Now I realize that sites dealing with actual churns will always be higher ranked, and that's fine.

Just go to whichever search engine you prefer, plug in churn and click on the link that brings you back here. With the phrase 'Churn blog' I do a lot better, but the narcissist in me can't let this go.

Thanks for your time,

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


All right, I'm not going to judge.

This may seem like a bit of a running gag, but I honestly want to bring this to your attention.

Someone went on Yahoo at about 1:04 this morning and did a search for

diaper compress mill

and arrived here.

Strangely enough, Churn ranks as result No. 11.

Now to be fair, all three words do appear in this blog, but have no connection to each other. I hope whoever it was that did that search wasn't too disappointed.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Get The Professor!


Seems like a few of you Churn readers arrive here via a search of the phrase:

Stand back, Burrito!

It has recently come to my attention that some of you have no idea what that means. Well, there's two explanations and they're both fairly stupid. I'll give you one and sum up the other.

One would use the phrase "Stand back Burrito" to indicate disbelief at an incredible claim or boast.


Steve: I can eat a slab of ribs in under two minutes.

Frank: All right. Stand back, Burrito.

The actual origin of the phrase has its roots in
The Ticket. Burrito is short for Burrito Jimmy, a fake DJ from the fictional station B97. He, along with his cast of characters interview unsuspecting radio show hosts. People named Mush-Mouth Tom, Jive-Talking Stu, Sammy the Spelunker and the Professor chime in and the end result is a trainwreck of yelling screaming and the occasional burst of laser fire.

You know, I just wrote that, and I fully understand every word. It also sounds so incredibly stupid.

That's all for now.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

The Falcon Has Spoken...


Finished watching the finale of Joe Schmo 2. The verdict? A lot of laughs, some wistfulness, and a frog and falcon that we thought were dead, but weren't really.

Editor's note: if you don't know what I'm talking about go here. Thanks.

Tim was a bit hurt after the reveal, but did suck it up for the cameras. Piper did seem really torn up about having decieved Tim, but he did his best to assure her he's OK. In the end, I guess the show succeeded too well in the end.

Amanda took it much better than Tim. In fact, I got the feeling that the producers were trying to bring her and Austin closer, so she's invested emotionally in the show, and not just there for a good time.

Finally, and I know this is futile, but I hope Tim, Amanda and Ingrid do some interviews and just GO AWAY. Not that I don't like them, I just don't want to see any of them fall into the 'reality tv fame-trap' and think that they can now be famous.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Monday, August 09, 2004

A Friendly Reminder...

Not to nag anyone out there, but if you have a spare moment, click your way to the American Diabetes Association website.

The subject has taken on a bit more importance in my family, and I thought that spreading the word might help someone else.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Friday, August 06, 2004


No, Rick James is still dead.

But according to Newsarama, actor Jack Black is not set to play Green Lantern.

Churn readers will recall my rather vocal rant when the news first appeared.

The EW article also talks about DC bringing their heroes down to Earth for the purposes of movies. One of the factors that made Marvel so popular back in the 60's was the fact that their heroes had so many human flaws. Spider-Man was mistrusted by the public, and Peter Parker was a science geek who always got picked on. The Fantastic Four argued and fought like any other family, the X-Men are feared and hated, etc.

DC's Heroes for the most part, are essentially perfect. Wonder Woman is a goddess, Superman is, well, Superman. Batman does live with the memory of his parent's death, in turn making Bruce Wayne the costume for his true identity, Batman. Depending on which version you use, Green Lantern can be the story of a man who has to grow into the role of hero, having been chosen almost at random.

The problem occurs when you forget that at the end of the day, it's a Superhero film. You can have all the character development and emotional resonance you want, if Superman doesn't blast Mongul with heat vision and punches him into orbit, I want a refund.

Case in point:Hulk.

Yes, the Hulk did some cool stuff, like throwing tanks and catching missles. But Ang Lee decides to prove that he's not just slumming, and decides to psychoanalyze these characters. I will grant that Hulk, with its use of comic-book style panels and editing looked closer to an actual comic that just about any other movie.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Today Churn says farewell to Rick James, who passed away earlier today. I won't speak to his troubles with drugs and violence, but from what I've read he had tried to leave that behind him.

It's an interesting sign of the times that a large number of people will only remember him as the "Can't Touch This" guy or the punchline to Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Nothing too earth-shattering for today.

Here's a video from the band Motherboard that I hope you'll enjoy. I have no connection with them, I just like the song.

Click, you impetuous fool!

Secondly, for those of you who follow Smallvile, the role of Lois Lane was recently cast. Her name is Erica Durance and if I gauge my audience, you've already Googled her name, and found very little.

Well, boredom + caffeine isn't the best combination.

Apparently, she had changed her name from Erica Parker. Considering her filmography, I can't say I disagree with her decision. As one of the approximately 14 people who saw House of the Dead, one of the only things that kept my life force from draining completely was this.


If you aren't offended by a bit of nudity, and are over 18, add /9046 to the end of that last link.


Now that you've enjoyed Ms. Durance in all her glory, a cool way to say thanks would be to be one the first three people to click here. Sign up and enjoy one of the free trials, and in exchange I'll give you one of three Gmail invites. for those of you concerned, Wired posted a story verifying their claims.

Hoping this won't land me in the hoosegow,

Mike G.