Sunday, December 31, 2006


That I attempt to blog a bit more often.

That I make it back to Dallas for a visit before everyone there forgets about me.

That I sell a vehicle to someone familiar with the concept of responsible credit.

That I call another Derby Devil bout before I forget how.

That I at least look into the concept of not being single.

That I reclaim my rightful place as WWE Fantasy Champion. Note: this may come into conflict with the previous resolution.

That I finally make some progress on my autobiographical rock opera.

Mike G.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Watch. This.


Transformers Trailer.

Cautiously optimistic.

Mike G.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I Endure...

While the wild world of auto retailing has left my schedule fairly packed, I wanted to take a moment to share some the inspirational 'tools' that have been handed to us by the Powers That Be:

And here's some more:

I can't speak to their motovational power [at least without displaying a lack of finesse and an abundance of sarcasm] but I know two things:

1. Those posters cost someone a pretty penny.

2. We probably could have gotten these with very few people noticing the difference.

Courage [and Happy Thanksgiving],

Mike G.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

"I Immediately Regret This Decision!"

A quick word of advice:

At 8:30 PM, a Steakfinger basket from your local Dairy Queen is better as a theoretical concept than as a meal.

Thanks for your time,

Mike G.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Oh Yeahhh...

I did say I was going to update this thing more often, didn't I?

A quick word of advice, and a declaration or two.

Actually no, I don't know how much your Altima is worth. What I do know is that you'll be unhappy with just about any amount I come back with. I also know that if you could get what you think it's worth on your own, you would already have done it.

WWE Fantasy is only a week away, and The Churn Army has been chomping at the bit to put this past season behind them and begin the road to the Title.

So, Screech has a sex tape, huh? I thought as soon as I started to do something it became passe' and lame. Guess he beat me to it.

I'm looking for an MP3/Video device that's not from Redmond, WA. Any pointers?

That's enough ramblings for now. To close, here's one of my favorite videos of all time. Enjoy.

Mike G.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Cheapness for Cheapness' Sake...

While TV grazing, I saw something that made me think.

During a broadcast of the Professional Bullrider's Tour, a profile was aired about one of the bulls. Accompanying the piece was Metallica's "Enter Sandman".

This same piece of music used to serve as the entrance theme for The Sandman, a professional wrestler best known for smashing his opponents with a bamboo cane and his own face with a beer can. He was one of the primary faces of ECW, a wrestling federation with mature storylines and sometimes shocking violence.

When the WWE purchased ECW, The Sandman's theme was replaced with generic guitar riffs, presumably to avoid royalties.

Just thinking out loud.

Mike G.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

First Sale

First Sale
Originally uploaded by thesporq.

Another bit of housekeeping, this was taken about a month ago with my trusty camera phone, mostly to prove to myself that I indeed did sell a car.

Mike G.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Don't Call It A Comeback...

After much struggle, things are starting to return to normal here at Churn HQ.

Translated: I finally got DSL.

What this means for you, Dear reader, is that you'll once again be delighted/bored by my writing on a more regular basis.

So some house cleaning:

Season 8 of WWE Fantasy is fast approaching, and the Churn Army will be starting the long, hard road back to the title belt.

Many congrats to the Dallas Derby Devils, who recently completed their first ever season. I was fortunate enough to be a small part of this family, and their hard work has really paid off with the DDD Travel Team winning the first ever Governor's Cup Tournament. The Travel Team added another feather in their helmets by holding the nationally known Austin Rollergirls to a 1 point victory in an exhibition match.

My Close Personal Friend, Richard Hunter, made his return to the airwaves this past July. As I've said before, Richard's played a part in some of the most interesting things I've ever been involved with. The best part about his new gig is the fact that he's made his shows available to download at his website.

More, when events dictate.

Mike G.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

No Doubt...

Today. Sucked.

Tomorrow? Hopefully not so much.


Mike G.

Sales Consultant

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Not Too Much To Ask...

If your random Texas Oil Millionaire walked into my dealership and decided to buy Tahoes for every day of the week, including one each for his wife and mistresses?

Just wondering,

Mike G.
Sales Consultant

Friday, August 18, 2006


So it looks like I can blog from work....

We'll see how long this lasts...

Mike G.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Small Update...

Still without regular Net Access.

Currently in training to provide the finest in automotive transport to you and your loved ones.

[quick note: it mostly involves 'persuading' you and your loved ones to pay me large sums of money]

Making plans to return to my old stomping grounds [for at least a weekend].

Mike G.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Some Light...

At the end of this tunnel.

As most of you know, I've had to make a change of scenery for the forseeable future. While my powers of self-denial are formidable, the fact is I'm living in a place where Chipotle and Jamba Juice are just intangible concepts.

What is most decidedly real are the huge granite slabs emblazoned with the Ten Commandments, located in our only mall, across from the Foot Locker, just after the kiosk where you can get a scrolling LED belt buckle. [yes, I'm complaining. Yes, I know this is all my doing.]

Anyways, I've just secured employment in my new surroundings, so logic and reason dictate that things should get somewhat better. Thanks to those I cajoled and begged for assistance in this matter.

More soon when events warrant.

Mike G.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

New Digs...

So, for those of you who aren't aware, I've made a little change location-wise.

I'll still be providing all of you with the high quality you've come to expect from this blog, with a bit of a West Texas perspective.

I'm still trying to get my internet access squared away, so the posting will be a little light for a while.

Mike G.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Stand By...

Some very minor technical difficulties.

Will be back to posting in a short while.

That is all.

Good Day.

Mike G.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Legal Wranglings...

So I got this email a few hours ago...

To Whom It May Concern:

I work with Paramount Pictures and am contacting you to respectfully request that you remove the Transformers image that you have posted on your site -

The footage is not authorized for release and we are currently reaching out to sites/blogs with the same request. Please let me know when this has been removed. Thank you in advance for your assistance – it is greatly appreciated!





Project Manager

New Media Strategies


The Xs have been added to ensure anonymity, even though I probably don't have to.

So, what should I do? I don't think there's any legal reason for me to delete this image, but I probably will just cause I don't want to get sued.

Not So Much Courage,
Mike G.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Shout-Out Time...

A patriotic shout out to the proud men and women of Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi. Keesler is "Home of the premier electronics and communications training center in the Air Force". And is also home to the 2nd largest medical facility in the Air Force. Almost 16,000 military and civilian personnel live and work on the base.

And a special note to whoever visited this blog from Keesler: I hope you didn't get into too much trouble.

Mike G.

Pimp My Bot...


And here it is. As far as we know, Bumblebee's car mode is not a VW bug, but a modified Camaro. Also unknown is how many Transformers will exist as actual props instead of pure CGI models. The question of mass-shifting has also yet to be resolved publicly[as far as I know]. For those unaware, mass-shifting refers to the fact that certain Transformers 'grow' or 'shrink' during transformation, the biggest examples being Soundwave [cassette player to huge robot] and Megatron [pistol to huge robot].

A teaser poster has been released at the official site, with a teaser trailer due to hit the net July 4th and theaters July 7th.

Mike G.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Geeks Assemble...Again!!!

If you read this blog with any regularity, chances are:

1. You're a big fan of the occasional half-dressed British model.

2. You know more about pop culture than you probably should.

This post is for those in category #2. Fans of #1 shouldn't worry, as we'll have something for you soon.

As most of you know, this here is the Autobot Warrior Bumblebee. One of the smallest[yet bravest] Autobots, Bumblebee serves as the group's espionage expert.

Over the years, his look and design have evolved.

Here's how most of you probably remember Bumblebee, from the cartoon version of The Transformers. One of the friendlier Autobots, he was one of the first to befriend humans after their arrival.

While the Transformers had been in comics before, it wasn't until Dreamwave and Pat Lee's version of the characters truly reflected their robotic nature.

The Transformers have been an incredibly long-lived toy series, being produced in one form or another for over 20 years. News broke recently about a series of Transformer Classics which update the original designs:

And now, the object of this post.

Michael Bay is directing a Transformers live-action motion picture. Fan speculation is running the gamut, with rumors of transforming Ipods, a "Hollywood" voice cast instead of the original voices, and whether or not the cars will be the same models as in the cartoon.

My next post will do little to calm the masses.

Mike G.

Geeks Assemble!!!!!!

It's really quite simple.

Spider-Man 3.


See it here.

Thanks for your time.

Mike G.

Monday, June 26, 2006

A Good Day...


I'm tired beyond all reason, my voice is gone, and I've just ingested several questionable items from my fridge.

But other than that, I'm flying high.

Another successful night of Roller Derby has come and gone, and once again I managed to not screw up too badly. The highlight of the night was during a bench-clearing brawl between the High Seas Hotties and the Suicide Shifters. I decided that the time wasright to settle old scores, and I launched myself at Meatpie[our other announcer] and took him down. In the end, noone was hurt[I could have destroyed him though] and the crowd went home happy.

Thanks again to all the Derby Devils for making me feel like a part of the family. I look forward to these bouts every month.

Mike G.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Not Too Late...

If you're needing something to do tonight, you can still join me and all of the Dallas Derby Devils tonight for an action-packed evening. Doors open at 7, BYOB, no glass please.

Mike G.

P.S. Thanks to Richard Hunter for a wonderful evening at The Lodge last night. You can join him every Saturday night just by visiting the Lodge's Myspace Page.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Green Room...

Currently in the FreeFm studio's green room, awaiting my return to the Dallas airwaves. Slightly nauseous.

Mike G.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

When It Rains...

The Mike G. World Tour of Dallas kicks into high gear starting tomorrow:


Listen for me tomorrow on the popular Pugs And Kelly Show. Adding to the fun will be the special guest host Big Dick Hunter. Later that night I'll be joining my good friend Devin as he hosts a special charity screening of Serenity at the Studio Movie Grill.

Saturday night will find me at the ecdysiast establishment known as The Lodge for a MySpace get-together. To join in, become a Friend of The Lodge. You'll get free admission and other perks.

Finally, Sunday night caps off this merry-go-round as I help to present all of the hard hitting action of the Derby Devils of Dallas. The doors open at 7pm at the World Famous Forum Roller World. Musical entertainment will be provided by Werewolf and Last of the Interceptors. Remember that the bout is BYOB, and no glass please.

Thanks for your time, and I hope to see you at one or all of these events.

Mike G.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Well, congrats to the Miami Heat, who won an almost-unprecendented four games in a row to win their first NBA Championship.

My condolences to the many wives and girlfriends who will be feeling the wrath that comes with unchanneled sports anger. Remember to take pictures as soon as possible for documentation purposes.

Mike G.

And a slight rant about the pre-game presentation: I don't know who's in charge of this sort of thing, but why would you put on an acapella group to sing the National Anthem? You've got a huge nationwide audience, Miami has presented acts like Michael McDonald and Clarence Clemons, and we[Dallas] answer with that? I almost forgot, Dallas also featured an American Idol finalist and a country singer.

This is the biggest event that the NBA puts on, and they're reduced to mining VH1 Classic and Reality Show runners-up?

At this year's All-Star Game, the NBA brought out Destiny's Child. Why are the Finals relegated to some sort of second class?

I know this is small potatoes compared to how completely the Mavericks ate it in the finals. I only hope that this pitiful performance will give Mark Cuban some humility. It was nice for a while, but I guess it's back to being a football town for a while.

Mike G.

An Urban Story...

The churrascaria had been closed for months, a victim of the gentrification that was long promised but never happened.

The ornate plate glass windows and doors had been transformed by neglect and well-aimed rocks; a crossword puzzle of empty space and dusty glass.

Pablo had been the last gaucho hired. More than anyone else, Pablo had dedicated his life to the art of presenting and serving the grilled meats on their steel skewers. The loss of his position affected him profoundly, sending him into a deep psychotic depression. His mind constructed an elaborate fantasy world to help him function. In this alternate reality, a discarded piece of rebar served as a replacement skewer; a soiled Strawberry Shortcake blanket became an apron.

Day by day, Pablo roams the streets in search of diners. Sadly, he finds no takers for his Radiator-Grilled Pigeon Rolled in Cigarette Butts and Gravel, served with a leftover Coffee Reduction.

Soon this artifice became too much to bear. Pablo was found impaled on his own makeshift skewer, a cardboard disc[handcolored red] by his side.

Mike G.

Monday, June 19, 2006


Sweet Jebus, could someone explain why/how the Mavericks are self-destructing like this?

Calling time outs without knowing how many you have, phantom calls...


I'm not even a big basketball fan, and I feel like someone punched me in the gut.

So now it's back to Dallas and two must-win games.

Oh well.

Go Mavs...I guess.

Mike G.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Roller Derby Update...

To all within the sight of this monitor:

My secondary gig as the play-by-play voice of the Derby Devils has been one of the most fun things I've ever been involved with.

So to that end, please allow this blatant and pandering pitch for people to attend our latest match:

Tickets are $10 in advance and $12 at the door. You can get yours at these fine locations....

Good Records in Dallas
1808 Greenville Ave.
Dallas, Texas 75206

Forum Roller World in Grand Prairie
1900 S. Great S.W. Pkwy
Grand Prairie, Texas 75051

All Points Tattoo in Hurst
510 E. Pipeline Rd.
Hurst, Texas 76053

Sunshine Bar and Grill in Arlington
902 W. Division St.
Arlington, Texas 76012

You can also purchase tickets from one of the four teams in our league:

The Wrecking Crew

The High Seas Hotties

The Slaughterers

The Suicide Shifters

Just become their MySpace friend and send them a message with TICKETS in the subject line.

I hope to see a lot of you at the bout on June 25.

Mike G.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Something I've Iearned...

If Nyquil tasted better, we'd be a nation of sleepers.

Mike G.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Remember, No Using Your Hands...

So if this doesn't get people thinking about soccer...

More images of Team Keeley [NSFW!] here, courtesy of Manny's Babes, and thanks to GorillaMask for the initial link.

Mike G.

Monday, June 05, 2006

A Stretch....

In case any Heat fans are reading this blog, here's a quick taste of what you'll see when you head into our town later this week:

This is the sad shell of a building known as the West End Marketplace. The Dallas Observer has a short piece on it here.

The Marketplace was also the home to Dallas Alley, and several sculptures/art pieces that represented famous Texas musicians.

Once you make it to the American Airlines Center [on foot, car, taxi, limo or helicopter, depending on where your seat is] you'll be met by this:

This is one of the two four-paneled screens that will face the main plaza leading up to the AAC's entrance. If you'll notice, the screens are mounted on rails, which allow them to move from one end of the building to the other. They can also split up into four smaller screens or two larger ones.

It's all part of a huge development deal they're calling Victory Park. Here's an artist rendering:

Last, but most certainly not least is the dizzying W Hotel, undergoing finishing touches for their grand opening later this month:

I hope you've enjoyed this small list of places I'll most likely never see in person. I know I enjoyed bringing them to you.

Mike G.

p.s. Mavs in 6.

Back With Bells On...

It's been a while since I posted...

So to start off, here's a pic I snapped from the after-party last night/this morning.

The Dallas Derby Devils had another rousing bout at Forum Roller World, and even though at times the rink was quite warm, I think everyone had a good time.

More updates soon.

Mike G. Posted by Picasa

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Time Out...


I may have to spend some time away from my blogging duties. Everything's OK; I just think some unplugged time would do me good.

Should be back soon.

Mike G.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

To One's Own Self Be True...

Two very important topics today...

First off:

Tickets can be purchased at the DDD web site. Due to the change of venue, there will be fewer tickets available for this bout, so please don't hesitate.


A pair of trailers were released the other day for Ghost Rider. While Nic Cage's hair reminds me of a certain NBA team owner, they look pretty awesome. You can see the trailers here, courtesy of Steve Jobs. What intrigues me most about the trailer is this screencap:

While there was a western themed Ghost Rider, he did not share any of the current incarnation's supernatural aspects. I'm curious if the demonic characteristics are going to be retconned into the comics.

Mike G.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Game 7...

Many congrats to Dirk and the Mavs for geting their act together and dispatching the Spurs last night. Speaking as an award winning sports commentator[which I am not], I thought it would be a good idea to refer you to the words of Bob Sturm, one half of BaD Radio, heard weekdays 12-3 on The Ticket.

Mike G.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

One Last Thing...

Here's the newest poster for Superman Returns, courtesy of the magic elves at IGN...

The more I see and read about this movie, the more I become convinced that Fox should have backed the money truck up to Bryan Singer's door and begged him to stay for X3.

Fine, I liked Rush Hour, even the sequel. But from the clips that have hit the net, I'm not too optimistic about Brett Ratner's directing...

Mike G.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Leaving No Doubt...

One of the few positive things that came out of the Terri Schiavo controversy was the idea that one's final wishes should be known and documented, thus avoiding needless pain.

This lady wanted to make Super-Double-Extra Sure that her wishes are followed.

Mike G.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I Don't Suppose...

anyone out there would be interested in picking up one of these for me...or how about this?

Well, it never hurts to ask.

Mike G.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

M Is For The Many...

Things you do for me...

Big Mother's Day wishes to not only my mother, but to all mothers everywhere.

Sure, a card and some flowers might seem trite in the face of all that they do for us, but it's more about the feeling behind the gifts.

So call your mom [not collect] and wish her a happy Mothter's Day.

Mike G.

Monday, May 08, 2006

It's True...

I actually do know roller derby girls. In fact, at times, they actually acknowledge my presence. Here's photographic proof:

The night seemed to go off with very few problems. The crowd was very into all of the goings-on and even the bands were great.

To cap off the night, we had our official after-party at the inappropriately-named Sunshine Bar.


Let's be honest, if you're in a bar past 11pm on a Sunday night, I believe it would be fair to assume that life as a whole isn't working out exactly as you had planned. Imagine if, as you're searching for Life's answers at the bottom of a bottle, your sanctuary from reality is invaded by dozens of crazed Roller Derby Girls high on an adrenaline rush. I'm just saying.

Thanks again to all the Derby Devils for letting me play in your sandbox.

Mike G.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Full House...

It looks like we'll have a sold out Arlington Skatium tomorrow night for the Dallas Derby Devils.

If you haven't gotten your tickets yet, you might not be out of luck. We will be selling any unclaimed Will Call tickets after the start of the first period.

Mike G.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Even More Layers...

Courtesy of our friends at Borders, here's footage of Gary Troup talking about his just released book.

Has the polar bear gotten him yet?

I'm curious if any real i.e existing authors are jealous of the attention Gary's recieving.

Mike G.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Audio Bazaar...

Time for yet another piece of audio fun, this time from the strangely named Jimmi Jammes.

Before I sign off, a quick shout out to my good friend Brother Mike, who's going under the knife tomorrow/today. Please hold a good thought for him.

Mike G.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Lost In The Layers...

So, read the new Gary Troup mystery novel yet?

Depending on your TV viewing habits, you're either a fan of LOST, or 70's era New Zealand cricketers. [Thanks, Google!]

Today's post is for the former group.

As near as I can figure, Gary hasn't even been seen on the island yet.

Even though I'm not a big fan of the show, I love the meta-ness of it all. A fictional character from a show has written a book featuring other fictional characters, which will most likely allude to events in and about the first show.

My friends who watch the show are fairly divided as to what 'the deal' is with the show. Some think no one survived the crash and are in some sort of afterlife, one believes the whole island is someone's hallucination, and the more cynical one feels that the writers are flying blind[until the show's last season].

Finally, for fans of the burrito-y goodness that is Chipotle, they're running a neat promotion. This Saturday and Sunday, remember to keep your receipt when you buy your food. It's good for a free burrito anytime May 8-14.

Mike G.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

My Fight Song...Today, At Least.

So I finally got rid of the AOL IM on my cell phone.

Amazingly, it only took a few months for me to realize that text messaging does essentially the same thing. And since I do prepaid cellular, it makes sense to cut out stuff I don't need. If I had one of these, I might reconsider.

Finally, tonight I thought I'd regale you with one of my current favorite songs, I found this thanks to the folks at Boing Boing, and I really like how this combines two [seemingly] different worlds. I would pose that both artists were trying to show reality at a time when very little was honest and truthful.

Mike G.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Another Open Letter...

To The Extremely Enthusiastic Sales Associate[Who Also Looked A Lot Like Howie Mandel] At The Ebay Seller Place:

I didn't want to say anything at the time, but I walked in mostly to get out of the cold and to walk off some of the sandwich I had for lunch. I will say you have a finely crafted sales pitch though.

Mike G.

Monday, April 24, 2006

So, Brick...

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

Comedy in convenient shirt form:

Mike G.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Here's how it breaks down:

An hour ago I was deep in thought, weighing the pros and cons of a variety of shower gels.

Thirty minutes after that, I'm bargaining with the automotive gods to spare my car from melting in a heap on Plano Road.

The shower gels become less important.

Everything's ok[more or less]. I just wanted to mark this shift in priorities.

Mike G.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Call The Lawyers...

In honor of some recent news made by certain people, the fine upstanding people at T-Shirt Hell have this to offer:

Thanks, T-Shirt Hell!

Mike G.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Here's my lovely niece Victoria, as she realizes the concept of finding Easter Eggs and the fact that they contain sweet, sweet candy.

Sadly, I fear this set of facts will be easier to explain than the theological underpinnings of the holiday.

Mike G. Posted by Picasa

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Monday, April 10, 2006


Well, not as such.

I will be visiting family this week, so while I won't be able to update as usual, I'll be adding at least one or two audio posts and a cellphone pic.

Before I leave, a small observation about this weekend. Sunday was the big NASCAR Race at Texas Motor Speedway, attended by about 189,000 people. Sunday was also the day where people across the nation marched in support of immigration reform. Here in Dallas, the crowds were estimated to be between 350,000 to half a million.

I guess the Chamber of Commerce is right when they say that Dallas has something for everyone.

Second, if you love kittens[and who doesn't] my pal Devin's just lousy with them. It the perfect chaser after you've seen something like this.

Finally, here's a funny T-shirt to let everyone know your affiliation.

Mike G.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

More Roller Fun...

Earlier this week I helped announce the second match of the season for the Dallas Derby Devils. While my complete lack of self-esteem keeps me from feeling too good about my performance, I don't think it was too horrible.

So far I've adopted the "1970's sportscaster" look, along with oversized headphones and a hairstyle just short of injection molded.

But like all members of the media, I'm feeling the need to reinvent my look.

So this is being sent out on both this blog and my MySpace page. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Mike G.

Monday, April 03, 2006

A Short Note...

To The Terrribly Overweight Arlington Convenience Store Employee Who, Due To Company Policy Must Keep The Doors Locked After 1:00 AM And Conduct All Transactions Via The Sliding Drawer:

I'm sorry the Chee-tos were on the lower shelf. To be honest, they weren't even for me. We were wondering, what if someone wanted to buy a gallon of milk? I don't think it would fit in that drawer.

Mike G.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Thanking The Academy...

In less than 24 hours, I will have most likely lost one of my prized possesions, my WWE Fantasy Championship belt.

The worst part is that I won't know until long into the evening, since Wrestlemania falls on the same night as my other gig as play-by-play man for the Dallas Derby Devils. [7pm, Arlington Skatium, $12 at the door, show up early, sellout anticipated]

Less than thirty points separate me from first-place Richard 'Big Dick' Hunter.

Sadly, my downfall was not the result of a tactical decision. Instead, I made the unforgivable mistake of drafting a wrestler who was injured and not scheduled to be on TV.

Gregory Helms[the former Hurricane] had broken his nose in early March. Until that time, he was a smart pick given his relatively low cost and the fact that he was [and still is] the WWE Cruiserweight Champion. In my rush to make my picks for Week 9, I drafted him.

Finally, here's the card for Wrestlemania 22: Smackdown! in blue, RAW in red...

WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. Triple H

World Title Match
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton

No Holds Barred Match
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels

Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs. Edge

Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair vs. Finlay vs. Matt Hardy vs. Lashley

Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

WWE United States Title Match
Chris Benoit vs. JBL

World Tag Team Titles Match
Kane & The Big Show vs. Carlito & Chris Masters

WWE Women's Title Match
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs. Candice Michelle

Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell

Mike G.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Le Sigh...

Again, I have no idea what she's saying...

Mike G.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"Hey, Mike..."

"Do you have any pictures of buxom British models wearing superhero themed clothing?"

Why, as a matter of fact...

Thank you GorillaMask!

Mike G.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Hopefully this will work...

I've had this song in my library for a while now, and I'm hoping that someone will be able to help me. My copy of this theme is different from the one used on the show, mostly from the use of the first-person pronoun. My question is, is this an alternate version, or a cover from another group entirely?

Mike G.

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Saturday, March 25, 2006

Out And About...

So I had some late-night Hungries [kudos to anyone who recognizes that reference] after a Derby meeting, but didn't want to take anything home.

Even in a Big City like Dallas, you're still pretty limited when it comes to late night dining in a restaurant. I've heard that Cafe Brazil is pretty good. Some Taco Cabanas are open all night, and there's the Trinity of IHOP, Denny's and Waffle House.

But I passed up all of these for the Steak n Shake on Alpha Road.

If you're not lucky enough to live in a SnS state, I'm very sorry. The food's pretty good and affordable [if you're smart]. But what I liked most was watching the people around me.

The couples grabbing a bite after a late movie, the school-kids laughing themselves silly while trying to be mature at the same time, families with small children fighting the urge to fall asleep.
Before I started blogging, I used to carry a small notepad around and write down my thoughts. Don't worry, they were just as banal as these posts. I do like the bells and whistles here, but there was something about just jotting stuff down in the moment. If I ever decipher my scrawlings, I might post some of them here.

Finally, this may or may not have happened:

I was polite, witty at the right times, and quiet at the others. She was smart, funny, and cute.

And married.

To be honest, that was the least of my problems. I liken it to the thief that gets deterred by the Neighborhood Watch sticker, instead of the fact that he's not a very good thief.

Oh, and the thief's never actually robbed a house before, either.

Mike G.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What Does That Mean?

If you're a fan of monkey puppets with cute voices, you might be a fan of The Anti-Personal Space Monkey.

ASPM and his hard-hitting interview style make for some fascinating viewing. He's also confronted America's own Miscom and frankly, he dominated.

Mike G.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

God Mode...

Hey gang,

Do you love video games?

Do you love the Lord?

Do you love the Lord AND video games?

Then those Krazy Kids at Penny Arcade have something just for you:

They've got similarly themed items for sale, along with some old classics.

Mike G.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Giving In...

First off, a warning.

If you're at work, it would be in your best interest if you don't click on either of these two links. Wait till you get home, or go to a co-worker's cubicle and click away.

Churn favorite Melissa Theuriau is just about as close to flawless as anyone out there. She might very well be the worst human being in the world, but I can't bring myself to care.

Recently, she decided to take a trip to the beach, and some enterprising photographer seized the opportunity.

Proof of the trip can be seen here and here.

And for those who won't be able to click those links till later, here's a video of Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team singing about sweet, sweet love.

Mike G.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Senseless Violence...

Here's a fun scene with action star Tony Jaa dispensing grand amounts of ass-kicking. Note his propensity for snapping arms and legs, where your standard action hero would settle for a punch to the face. I believe this is from Tom Yum Goong, which won't hit US theaters till the end of the year.

To those who aren't fans of the video posts, be patient. Like a kid with a new toy, I should eventually get bored with it, and move on to a new obsession.

Mike G.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Coming Soon...

Here's a sneak peek of what a Dallas Derby Devil Event is like.

Huge props to the folks at Dark Age Media, especially their cameraman. It's hard to tell in that clip, but he strapped on some skates to catch all the action. You can see a collection of stills here.

Mike G.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Goodbye, Children...

Chef has left the town of South Park...

I have to say, while I don't watch the show as much as I used to, I knew that Tom Cruise/John Travolta 'Trapped In The Closet' episode would have some repercussions.

I have no desire to get sued back to the Stone Age, so these links are purely informational. I have no idea whether or not there's any truth to their claims.

This probably sealed the deal for Isaac...

Some articles on the subject...

Rolling Stone weighs in...

Mike G.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A Do-Over...

So, let's see if this works.

Longtime readers will recognize this as one of the first videos I ever posted on this blog. Please note though, that unlike the videos you might find on MySpace and other places, these will only play if you want them to, and you have full control.

Mike G.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

At Trackside:

Yup, that's me in my role as 1/2 of the announce team for the Derby Devils. I do feel a bit odd at times since the odds are pretty good that the last person who wore that jacket has been dead for some time.

If you'd like to see more pictures of last week's bout, click here.

Many thanks to the talented and skilled psycoimage.

Mike G.

Can't Stop The Runaway...

For those of you who don't know, I have a small outpost on MySpace. I use it to keep tabs on my Derby Devils, but otherwise, I'm just too lazy to do anything of substance with it.

Also, browsing MySpace almost always turns into a big case of Tired Head. There's only so many times I can see non-scrolling backgrounds, multiple animated GIF avatars, five different video clips, comments made by people who can't be bothered to resize their pictures, and surveys, surveys, surveys.

Anyways, the real reason I'm posting is to highlight individual Devils. First up is
The Jersey Runaway.

The Runaway is a member of the Suicide Shifters, and she put on a skating clinic at our bout last week. BTW, the next bout is on April 2. Be on the lookout for further installments.

Mike G.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

More Essential Items...

From the fine folks at Deez Teez:

This shirt would go great with a certain item too.

Mike G.

Simple Pleasures...

So I'm watching Unwrapped, all the while remembering the late great Double Dare.

Inbetween segments on how Nutella was made[note: their spokesman until some Denver...Unpleasantness? Kobe Bryant] and some restaurant that made over 100 different types of peanut butter, was this item:

The Butter Bell.

According to the company, you can keep a whole stick of butter fresh and spreadable for up to a month without having to put it in the fridge. Also, these have been around for about 200 years.

The things you miss when you're busy stealing music online.

Mike G.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Quest Begins Anew...

As DFW's greatest flat-track Roller Derby League starts it's first official season.

The Dallas Derby Devils held their first bouts of the 2006 season earlier tonight, and though I may be a bit biased, I think it went off without a hitch. Alongside our returning teams, The Wrecking Crew, The High Seas Hotties, and The Suicide Shifters, we debuted a new team, The Slaughterers.

I hope everyone had a great time, and wasn't too beaten down by my announcing. If it's of any comfort, I did strain my voice know, small favors.

Pictures/video may be here sooner than you think.

Mike G.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


Ever wanted to see The Simpsons with live actors?

Here's a taste.

Mike G.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Supply And Demand...

So the guy that founded Domino's has plans for his own town.

I think it's a bit funny that the town is banning all of these 'immoral' products and services.

If these townsfolk were truly living the way Mr. Monaghan and his partners wanted, there could be a 24-hour free pornography/abortion/condom warehouse in the middle of town and noone would ever walk in the door.

Unless you choose to do 'the right thing', it doesn't really matter.

Mike G.

Till All Are One...

So...does anyone have a spare $175 that they can donate to their favorite blogger?

You got the touch
You got the power

After all is said and done
You've never walked, you've never run,
You're a winner

You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat
You're nobody's fool

You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

You got the touch
You got the power

When all hell's breakin' loose
You'll be riding the eye of the storm

You got the heart
You got the motion

You know that when things get too tough
You got the touch

You never bend, you never break
You seem to know just what it takes
You're a fighter

It's in the blood, it's in the will
It's in the mighty hands of steel
When you're standin' your ground

And you never get hit when your back's to the wall
Gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all

You got the touch
You got the power

When all hell's breakin' loose
You'll be riding the eye of the storm

You got the heart
You got the motion

You know that when things get too tough
You got the touch

You're fightin' fire with fire
You know you got the touch

You're at your best when when the road gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

You got the touch
You got the power

You got the touch
You got the power

Mike G.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Sheer Arrogance...

When a company decides to make a video game based on a movie that is a reimagining of one of the greatest comic book movies of all time, that takes some brass.

But EA has decided to bite the bullet [to coin a phrase] and release Superman Returns. They've also posted a trailer where Supes takes on Metallo.

While it's only a trailer for a video game, you get a sense of why Bryan Singer gave up directing X-Men 3 for Superman.

Mike G.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Cracking Down...

Earlier today, the WWE instituted a substance abuse and drug testing policy. This will be a very interesting development, since in part, steroids shaped professional wrestling during one of it's greatest booms.

Some of the substances banned by this policy are as follows:

Anabolic Androgenic Steroids:

androstenediol, androstendione, bolasterone, boldenone, chloroxomesterone (dehydrochlormethyltestosterone), clostebol, dihydroepiandosterone, dihydrotestosterone, dromostanolone, epitestosterone, 4-chlortestosterone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, furazabol, mesterolone, methandienone (methandrostenolone), methandriol, methenolone, methylclostebol, methyltestosterone, methyltrienolone, mibolerone, nandrolone, norandrostenediol, norandrostenedione, norethandrolone, norethindrone, oxabolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, stanozolol, stenbolone, testosterone, trenbolone


Alpha-hydroxy-alprazolam(Xanax), Lorazepam(Ativan), Nordiazepam(Valium), Oxazepam(Serax), Temazepam(Restoril)


acetozolomide, amiloride, bendroflumethiazide, benzthiazide, bumetanide, canrenone, chlormerodrin, chlorthalidone, diclophenamide, ethacrynic acid, furosemide, hydrochlorothiazide, mersalyl, spironolactone, triamterene

I've decided that in the spirit of fairness, our WWE Fantasy Wrestling league should go by the same policy. Like the policy states, investigations will occur if any of the following are observed:

1. physical signs of red or droopy eyes, dilated or constricted pupils;

2. slurred speech, stumbling, or hyperactivity;

3. needle marks;

4. repeated unexplained disappearances from an Event;

5. unexplained lateness in arriving for an Event;

6. nose constantly runs, appears red, or persistent sniffling;

7. time distortion, including repeated tardiness and missed appointments;

8. chronic forgetfulness or broken promises;

9. accidents during Events;

10. inability to concentrate, remember, or maintain attention;

11. mental confusion, paranoia, or presence of abnormal thoughts or ideas;

12. violent tendencies, loss of temper, or irritability;

13. extreme personality change or mood swings;

14. deteriorating personal hygiene or appearance.

Hopefully I've posted this in time for our league members to clean themselves up before our next event. Oh, for those of you who are curious, is still in first place with 1214 points, and I'm ready for testing at any time.

Mike G.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Thursday, February 23, 2006


All hail to the greatness that is SuperHeroHype...

According to Sony, this is a color photo of Spider-Man, which opens up a whole kettle of fish. To be more precise, your nerd level can be approximated by your response to the picture. Oh, nitpickers can grab a super-size version here.

The Black Costume came about almost as an accident.

While fighting The Secret War, Spidey picked up what he thought was a futuristic costume but instead was an alien symbiote. Spidey rejected the symbiote, which later bonded with reporter Eddie Brock and became Venom. Not to make a long story longer, but as of this writing, the current Venom is Mac Gargan, better known as the Scorpion.

But as readers of Churn know, Comics and Movies based on those Comics usually have very little in common. Most sources claim that actor Topher Grace is playing a character named Venom, but it's unknown which version. Ain't It Cool's claiming that it might be The Ultimate Marvel version, but that conflicts with other rumors.

So, what could make Peter Parker create a new costume without the red and blue? Will it have the white spider insert? Could it be that this isn't a picture of Peter Parker?

It is known that Thomas Haden Church will play The Sandman, and Every Orthodontist's Dream Kirsten Dunst is still Mary Jane.

Mike G.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Not Enough Hours In The Day...

Like most fans of 24, we sometimes have to justify some of the odder things that happen during each day/season. There's been impromptu torture sessions [electrical wire and Laser Floyd], terrorists with all kinds of bad accents, the most tactless IT person of all time, rogue nukes, killer viruses, and even cougar attacks.

Worse yet, 24 is beginning to suffer from The Island Effect.

As in Gilligan's.

Basically, the Island Effect occurs when the strongest plot device of a show becomes it's weakest. Examples:

The Shield
Sure, it's a complex and gritty drama, but the main hook[how long can Vic Mackey stay ahead of his enemies] is becoming meaningless. It's becoming less and less of a issue. You no longer question if he's going to get away this time, because the show's been picked up for another season.

Again, the strengths of this show are rapidly turning into weaknesses. This is a side argument, but it seems that the runaway success of the show has taken the creative team by surprise. So much so, that there seems to be no coherent thread throughout.

Now with the recent deaths of President Palmer and Michelle Dessler, 24 is adding some unpredictability to the mix. But like the above shows, there's a Catch-22. If Jack Bauer doesn't save the day, there's not much of a reason to watch. But if he succeeds, it's not much of a shock.

Oh well, hopefully Kim will show up in a few hours/weeks.

Mike G.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Road is Long...

Here's some pics of the Wrestlemania Axxess tour bus. They made a quick stop at TicketStock this year, and later tonight WWE Legend Hillbilly Jim is hosting a No Way Out party in Sherman.

You know, that's an excellent example of how high quality parts can improve any chassis.

you can't tell by the pictures, but this year Ticketstock coincided with Winter Blast 2006. This made stepping outside the Plano Centre a very dubious proposition.

Mike G.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Obscure Trivia...

Back in 1998, the then-named WWF put on a pay-per-view event entitled No Way Out. Under the threat of legal action by WCW, the event was renamed No Way Out Of Texas.

Anyways, here's a quick and dirty breakdown of the matches set for this Sunday.

Nine-Man Cruiserweight Championship Match

Almost all of the Cruiserweight Division will be gunning after current champ Gregory Helms in a match sure to feature any number of suicidal moves and death-defying leaps. While I'd like to see one of the Mexicools or even Brian Kendrick win the title, I see the former Hurricane retaining the title after some nefarious doings.

WWE Tag Team Champions MNM vs. Matt Hardy & Mystery Partner

Sadly, MNM seem to have cornered Smackdown's tag team market. Whoever Matt recruits to be his partner will not be enough to take their titles. A quick look at the Smackdown roster leads me to think that Matt's partner might be a WWE blast from the past. Of course, my wish [one of the junior division, maybe Super Porky] will probably not happen.

JBL vs. Bobby Lashley

JBL has remained a strong heel, even without the WWE Title. Recently his ire has been directed towards Bobby Lashley, who has yet been defeated in singles competition. This is a bit of a retro style match. Two guys have a problem with each other, and after circumstances that have prevented them from meeting face-to-face, they finally have a chance to settle things. I see the Lashley experiment continuing, so I'll say he takes this one.

Booker T vs. Chris Benoit for the United States Championship

Booker has done something unique in defending the US title twice without actually stepping into the ring. Tomorrow, Chris Benoit[The World's Best Technical Wrestler] gets another shot. As I have done every single time a PPV preview features Benoit, I predict he will win back his title, leading him back on the road to the WWE Championship.

Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton

In a somewhat shocking move, Rey won the 2006 Royal Rumble. This usually means you have a first-class ticket to Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, Rey has to defend his opportunity against Randy Orton. In an uncomfortable blend of real life and wrestling storylines, Randy has been calling out Rey by running down his late friend Eddie Guerrero. I'm not sure how this will pan out, but I'm hoping to see Rey in that Wrestlemania main event. I won't be shocked if it doesn't happen, though.

World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. Undertaker

This match owes a lot to random chance. And Mark Henry.

When he got hurt in a match with Mark, World Heavyweight Champion Batista had to vacate the title, which was won by Kurt Angle. After defeating Mark at the Rumble, The Undertaker entered the arena in a horse-drawn chariot. He then called down lightning to destroy the ring, all the while giving the international "I want the belt" hand signal.

While putting the Belt on Angle may have been unplanned, it's been a good move. As much as I like The Undertaker, I don't see this as the right time for a title run. Besides, he still has to keep his Wrestlemania undefeated streak alive. Angle retains due to some unplanned interference, which sets up a match with Undertaker at Mania.

Mike G.

p.s. The US Women's Curling team had one of their best games today, defeating Italy 11-3. Sadly, they're almost mathematically eliminated from advancing to the semi-finals.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Perhaps I wasn't too clear last post.

More specifically, I think the Johnson Sisters have a nice, small town, girl-next-door quality.

Sorry, but not every girl I write about is going to be a Melissa Theuriau or a Keeley Hazell.

By the way, congrats to the girls for winning their first match earlier today. They'll need to build on that win if they want any chance at all for medal contention.

Mike G.

Hey Now...

While I'm not sure that they'll make me take up the sport, the US Women's Curling team is pretty easy on the eyes.

Mike G.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Thanks to the fine folks at The Cotton Factory.

Mike G.

Friday, February 10, 2006

And Now the Churn Delegation...

So I'm watching the opening ceremonies, and my first thought:

This is the greatest collection of odd hats in one place ever. From knit baseball caps with built-in pigtails for Germany, Kyrgyzstan's two-level sailing hats, Mongolia's fox-head creations, to the US berets that were made by a Canadian company.

Secondly, I'm not sure what to think about the countries that send one or two 'competitors'. I know that at its core, the Olympics should be about international cooperation and understanding, but I'm wondering how much easier it would be if the Olympic Comittee just sent them a few pins and t-shirts and told them to stay home. Also, by the time the games are over, we'll be treated to an assault of touching vignettes about the Argentinian entry in the biathalon, and how due to bad planning he was unable to bring his skis to the event. [I made that part up]

And I'm curious as to what might happen about nine months from now. By the time the closing ceremonies wrap up, folks will be able to say "No really, I'll call you." in about 4 different languages.

Mike G.

No Chocolates?

An early Valentine's Day gift for you, the Churn Nation:

Thank you Boing Boing!


Every so often, we here at Churn like to give a bit of a thank-you to our readers. So here's a few of our recent visitors, courtesy of the fine folks at Sitemeter:

Central Missouri State University
Founded in 1871, CMSU is located in Warrensburg, just outside Knob Noster State park. Go Mules!

University of North Texas
Home of the Mean Green, UNT is located in Denton, TX. Interestingly enough, the college radio station's call letters are a bit out of order, though I'm not sure why...

University of Maryland
Home of the Fighting Terps, their women's basketball team defeated No. 1 ranked North Carolina earlier today.

Producers of everything from the 747 jet, the JDAM missle, and the Space Shuttle. Of course, that's only a few of the things that are listed in print. I would assume they have their catalog of Death-Rays and Mindwarp tools in a more private place.

HM Revenue and Customs
As in Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs; they're a bit like the US IRS, with a bit of Labor Department and some Border Patrol thrown in. They also handle some environmental issues.

These are a few of the visitors that Churn sees. Granted, most of them come here in the hope I've posted another Keeley or Lucy bikini shot, but a few come back, which is pretty cool.

Mike G.

p.s. Some other visitors included Lockheed-Martin, Halliburton, Raytheon [I've apparently got a Military Industrial Complex fanbase]

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Bowl Thought 2...

And what's with the semi-wearing of football jerseys [almost like a scarf or odd necktie]?

Mike G.

Bowl Thoughts 1...

Good God, when will Burger King's ad folks stop smoking crack?

Mike G.

I Still Think it's Funny...

taken on Greenville Avenue 1-26-06
Originally uploaded by thesporq.

Was bored, so I thought I'd show you the sign I was talking about way back when.

Mike G.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Who Gets The Nice Bedroom?

Even though I'm no longer appearing there on a semi-weekly basis, I still listen on occasion to 1310AM The Ticket.

The afternoon show, The Hardline has a recurring segment that's slightly dark but sometimes fascinating. Not only do they subscribe to the theory of the trifecta, or belief that bad things come in groups of threes, but they also hold that the the three unfortunate souls must share a three bedroom apartment in the afterlife.

So we've got feminist author Betty Friedan, beloved actor Al Lewis, and less than 24 hours for the third tenant.

Could it be Dick Bass?

Or is there someone waiting in the wings, so to speak?

And we haven't even discussed how they're going to split up the weekly chores once they find their third.

Mike G.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

To Your Health?

So I'm wondering...

Does anyone else like to drink orange juice mixed in with an equal amount of sweetened iced tea?

How about Coke and Sprite?

Just wondering.

Mike G.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

To Insure...Progress?

Mark Evanier writes Groo The Wanderer.

That alone should earn him your undying respect and gratitude. Oh, you should include Sergio Aragones too, since he's the one who draws him.

But Mark also has his blog, and recently he posed a question on tipping. Any longtime Churn Readers [besides me] will remember that back in 2005 I voiced my own concerns on the subject. The reason it's on Linds' blog is that it was a guest post during last years Blogathon.

Anyway, I thought that maybe Mark or his legions of fan could help me, so I sent him this, which is also posted on his blog, along with his response:

Even though this is only slightly related to your question, I hope either you or
your readers can help me out.

Are we as a society at the point where we can't question the act of tipping? [or have we been here all this time, and no one told me about it?]

Should I just stop asking why I have to subsidize the service economy?

If a plate with filet Mignon weighs about the same as a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, why do I have to tip more?

At the very least, I'd like to know where the boundary line between what the employer's paying for, and what my tip is paying for. In the example you gave, isn't the bellhop supposed to handle your baggage for you? Unless I'm mistaken, he was
likely hired by the hotel to do just that, among other things. If we're talking about asking someone in the next room to carry your bags, that's a different story.

Is the tip a plea so your bags won't get thrown down the stairs, or rifled through by the staff? Or is it a bribe so they'll do it to someone else's? And what if they did it anyway? "Wow, that meal was great. And, because I said no pickles and there were no pickles, I'll throw in another 8%"

I will admit, so far in my life I've yet to work in a field where tipping was a
part of my livelihood, so my perspective might be skewed.

Look, Ticketmaster sticks you for a 'service charge', why can't other places do it
too? At least you won't have to wonder what formula to use, or you could choose
to avoid places that have them.

After reading his reply, I'm not sure if I'm totally convinced. What bothers me is that his pragmatic answer boils down to "its the way it's always been done", and the philosophical one really isn't a nicety, when you think about it. If the business world and the government assume you're going to tip anyway, than the level of service is no longer part of the equation. Somehow we've managed to put the 'guilt' of not tipping on ourselves.

I have nothing against the service industry. I just think we should be honest with each other. If I tip x percent, what service will I get? If I choose not to tip the maid service at my hotel, will they only give me one handtowel and a smashed mint on the floor? When I go out to eat, how much money will make sure my iced tea never gets empty?

How about we just call them bribes? Or, in this age of Abramhoff, strategic lobbying?

Mike G.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Ominous Rumblings...

Actually, it's just the one. Tomorrow marks the return of the Royal Rumble, and the annual Road To Wrestlemania. I'll be giving you a breakdown of the matches on the card, followed by my take on the Rumble match itself. [Smackdown matches in blue, RAW in red]

JBL vs. The Boogeyman

I could complain about the overall absurdity of this match, but I have to give the WWE credit for having a feud develop over more than one week. The Boogeyman was intended to be some sort of malevolent demon in the vein of The Undertaker, but then was recast as a character forced upon Smackdown by UPN executives. For some reason, The Boogeyman and his worm/cancer eating have clicked with the fans. I see JBL taking this match, due to a Flavor Flav run-in where he attacks The Boogeyman for ripping off his big clock gimmick.

Mickie James vs. Ashley - Trish Stratus as special referee

I have high expectations for this match, even though it's just a placeholder for the inevitable Mickie/Trish match at Wrestlemania. Their relationship has taken some nicely creepy turns, with Mickie descending from admiration to dangerous obsession. WWE did make a false step trying to gild the lily with some lesbian overtones, but they seemed to catch on quickly. Diva Search winner Ashley seems to be the odd woman out here, but I'm sure she'll wear something to keep the fan's attention. Mickie cheats to win, but Trish catches her and awards the pin to Ashley. Mickie is enraged and destroys both of them.

Open Invitational Match for the Cruiserweight Championship

As of this writing, there is little info about the details of this match. In fact, it's unknown if there will be more than one opponent. I expect that the match details will depend on the rest of the show. Last year's Rumble almost ran over the three-hour mark, so I see this match acting as a safety valve. No matter what the match turns out to be, I see Kid and his almost infringing theme music retaining the belt.

World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry

Necessity is the mother of invention, and so is this match. WWE was planning on Batista headlining Wrestlemania, but a pair of injuries have put him on the shelf for the near future. This left Smackdown without a champion. WWE's solution to this problem was found in Kurt Angle, who jumped from RAW to claim the Big Gold Belt. In an odd twist, Angle's opponent is the same person who quite possibly caused Batista's injury, Mark Henry [brought in by MNM manager Melina as a bodyguard during their sexual harassment angle]. Mark's actually been under WWE contract for 10 years, but injuries and various failed gimmicks have kept him off of the air. The end result? Angle gets to headline another Wrestlemania, and Henry gets carried to a quality match as he spends the rest of his contract back in Silsbee, TX.

WWE Champion Edge vs. John Cena

After surviving the Elimination Chamber at New Years Revolution, John Cena seemed sure to take the WWE Title to the Rumble and eventually, Wrestlemania. However, Edge seized the opportunity and cashed in his Money in the Bank title shot[won at last year's Wrestlemania]. After two spears, Edge claimed the WWE championship. In the weeks afterward, Edge has proven to be more than a 'placeholder' champ, though I would feel better if he got a new belt, rather than Cena's spinning 'bling belt'. Speaking of which, Edge's popularity could be bad news for Cena, whose 'Chain Gang/Thuganomics' persona is becoming less popular with the live crowds. Edge retains to headline Wrestlemania, which leads us to...

The Royal Rumble Match

The rules are simple. Two wrestlers start out in the ring and at regular intervals, another wrestler enters until all 30 have been called. A wrestler must leave the ring over the top rope and have both feet touch the floor to be eliminated. The last man standing wins the Rumble, and a title shot at Wrestlemania.

On the RAW side we have:

1) ROB VAN DAM - Making his return after almost a year on the shelf due to injury

2) BIG SHOW - Always a formidible opponent in the Rumble

3) KANE - My personal dark horse winning pick

4) SHAWN MICHAELS - Will get screwed by Mr. Mcmahon; furthering their angle

5) TRIPLE H - Never underestimate his ability to turn the spotlight back on himself

6) CHRIS MASTERS - Fortune Brands sues Chris for trademark infringement, forcing him to quit wrestling forever

7) CARLITO - Eats an apple, gets destroyed by Kane

8) TREVOR MURDOCH - Is it too late for him to reunite with Lance Cade in a Brokeback Mountain gimmick? It worked so well for Billy and Chuck

9) SHELTON BENJAMIN - Miscues with his mama lead to early elimination, and in a dramatic scene, we see tempers flare between pretend Mother and Son

10) VISCERA - If he makes it through the entire match without humping anything, it's a victory for everyone.

11) CHAVO GUERRERO - his performance will prove whether he or I profitted more off of the death of his uncle Eddie.


13) RIC FLAIR - If you never got to see your grandfather prance about in a feathered sparkly robe and subsequently get beaten to a bloody pulp, here's your chance

SMACKDOWN gives us:

1) CHRIS BENOIT - One of the greatest wrestlers ever. Sadly will not win, but will make a good showing

2) REY MYSTERIO - Rumors are swirling about a title shot and possibly a title run. Would be strange to have a World Champ that couldn't ride most roller coasters

3) RANDY ORTON - Calls in his favor to Booker T who refuses, leading to a match at the next Smackdown PPV

4) MATT HARDY - Gets eliminated early due to his trying to figure out where he went wrong in life

5) ORLANDO JORDAN - With a bisexual angle heading his way, Orlando tries to distract himself by staring at a copy of his credit card statement

6) LASHLEY - Makes the final five, but his Small Voice renders him unable to intimidate the other wrestlers, leading to his elimination

7) SYLVAN - He's still French, right?

8) ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL - A great wrestler back in the day, his roly-polyness proves to be his downfall

9) JOHNNY NITRO - Discovers to his horror that HE'S Joey Mercury, which causes a complete breakdown

10) JOEY MERCURY - Vice Versa

11) SIMON DEAN - Half-heartedly competes, all the while remembering his time as Nova. Also questions why WWE gave him a Segway replica, instead of the real thing

12) BOOKER T - See Randy Orton

13) SUPER CRAZY - Thanks his lucky stars he cut ties with Juventud

14) PSICOSIS - Ditto

Note that there are still 3 spots unaccounted for, which leaves the door open for a surprise celebrity entrant, a returning wrestler, or a debut. Also, Vince McMahon will draw the entry numbers himself on the PPV, rather than before the show. This may affect the betting line, so be forewarned.

Mike G.

Friday, January 27, 2006


"I'm done doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, "something that kills people." And in that purpose I was a success. I've done this, because philosophically I'm sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut."
-Hattori Hanzo 'Kill Bill'

I give to you the Gillette Fusion:

Yup, five blades. And that doesn't even count the trimmer blade on the back.

I bought one of these yesterday, but frankly, I'm afraid to even open the package for fear that I'll somehow sever a major artery. Gillette also makes a battery powered version, but I think there's some sort of federally mandated waiting period before you can buy one.

But somehow, I can't help but feel we've been here before.

Mike G.