Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Trite Musings...

No witty comments today...

According to the latest news, the death count from Asia is looking to top around 76,000. Unfortunately, that total will most likely increase, given the lack of proper facilities and the huge number of fatalities.

The International Red Cross has information on it's home page for those interested.

The more I read about this disaster, the less I can actually wrap my head around it. It's almost as if my entire hometown was simply wiped off the map.

I'll get back to my ususal form soon.

Take care,

Mike G.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Decking the Halls

Reporting live from the town of my birth...

A big Seasonal Hello to all of Churn Nation. I'll be experiencing the most powerful example of good news/bad news ever[Good news-holidays w/family, Bad news-only have dial-up connection].

Just to prove that I am back home, I witnessed something that mine eyes had never seen before.

I've seen different vatiations of the limosine. Stretch, super stretch, Hummer and Escalade versions. But until today, I never even considered that someone would want, much less build a Stretch limosine pickup, complete with bed and tailgate.

Take Care Folks,

Mike G.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

On to the Ranch...

This should be the final installment of My Vegas Trip Story. I'm fully aware the only way it can end satisfactorily is with me winnning 90 million dollars on a single hand of blackjack and running off with a truckload of showgirls. Let the disappointment begin now.

Before the long trip to Carson City, Nevada we had dinner with Zamora, an old friend of the P1WAC. If you're unfamiliar with his work, click here for a taste. Zamora plies his trade in a Vegas show, and also gives tours of the Strip, highlighting the unusual and unexplained. Over dinner, he told us of suicides, murders and possible hauntings in and around famous hotels and casinos.

Friday Night, the show is done, and we all pile into the RV for the trip to The Bunny Ranch. First, we have to get the marriage license. Oddly enough, the office responsible is open all weekend long. As we wait for Richard and his intended to get the forms processed, we see that outside of the office are a few guys just standing around. It becomes evident that their job is to get couples with their new licenses to a certain chapel. One of my favorite moments of the trip was making one of those guys speechless by telling him, "Yes, we have a place for the wedding. It's the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Oh, we also got Dan Haggerty to perform the ceremony."

And so we set off. Quick Note: the trip to Carson City from Vegas is one of the longest, most boring trips in the history of ever.

But we did get there, and for those who have never been, you're immediately greeted by tension. A daycare center sits at the beginning of the road to the Ranch. One wonders if it's services are for the clients or the workers.

The Ranch is at the end of a long road in an industrial park. There's very little on the outside to indicate what goes on inside. I suppose the best way to describe it is that it reminds one of some sort of bunker. Very nondescript, with a parking lot outside and a gate with a very impotant doorbell.

We were running a bit late, which apparently worried Mr. Dennis Hof, who invited us in for some coffee .

Dennis Hof is what I would describe as the ultimate salesman. He's always either planning, making or closing a deal, and telling stories about his celebrity friends and adventures. Now, coming from anyone else, it would sound self-serving, but he comes off as affable.

The main lobby of the ranch is about the size of a living room, with an adjacent bar. The room is completely in red, with small red velvet couches and chairs lining the mirrored walls. Neon lights cricle the room, and framed articles about the Ranch are everywhere. Next to the bar is a glass case with what I would call 'adult accessories' for sale.

Sorry, but I have to cut this installment short. Soon- HBO, an Indecent Proposal, and a Wedding.

Mike G.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I Guess It Is All About The O...


I suppose these links are way overdue, but since people are still coming here via a search of Ms. Sabine Ehrenfeld, I have an oligation, nay, a duty to give them what they want.

Her recent commercials can be found here, and here. Enjoy.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

More Trip News

When we left off, our motley crew had just arrived in time to start the show. While we did just complete 24 straight hours of travel, we fought through all that and became Real Live Broadcasters.

I wanted to take a moment and say thanks to the HBO representative who helped us get guests and made sure we had what we needed. She was extremely kind and treated us just like we were any other station. She was a bit confused when we told her that most of us weren't really part of the media, and we would see confused look several times over the next two days.

I'm just going to list the people we spoke to. For the most part, they were very gracious, and for our part, we did our best tonot embarrass ourselves or the station.

  • Bert Sugar: One of boxing's true characters, Bert is hard to describe. He seems to know a little bit about everything, and always has a one-liner at the ready. For the life of me, I do not understand why no one has put him in his own sitcom.
  • Danny Gans: Apparently, this man has a very successful show in one of the casinos. He's some sort of impressionist who also sings. I can't speak to the quality of the show, but during our interview he used the bands Creed and Train to show his relevance to the younger audience. He also put down Macy Gray twice for not being able to sell out a recent tour stop. We're still not sure why.
  • Jin Mosley: Sugar Shane Mosley's wife and apparent 'power behind the throne'. A very attractive young lady who was sporting a diamond ring that was reminiscent of a Kobe Bryant apology.
  • Harold Lederman: HBO Boxing Commentator and Unofficial Ringside Judge. A very animated man for his age, but his habit of slumping in his chair concerned us. while an on-air death would be dramatic radio, it probably would have closed the door on future trips.
  • Winky Wright: While we did not interview Mosley's challenger, our producer Mike Turley slipped into his alter-ego Big T to have some words with him. Big T is a white guy trying way to hard to be black, and isn't too current with the lingo. So it's not that much of a stretch for him. The highlight if the interview was Winky correcting Big T on the appropriate ways of using the word 'boy' in reference to the African-American.
  • Jim Lampley: HBO's main commentator. Jim put forward the idea during our talk that even as the sports media has expanded, the sports covered by that media is becoming more limited to the 'major' ones.
  • Joe Goosen: Sugar Shane's trainer: Known for his habit of choosing his own outfit instead of matching his fighter's entourage, we gave him a P1WAC shirt, on the off chance he wear it to the ring.
  • Larry Merchant: HBO Special analyst. While his interview was nothing special, I'm fairly certain he was wearing a Members Only jacket. When I was younger I was convinced that one had to be in some secret society to either purchase or wear one of those jackets.
  • Emanuel Steward: The third member of HBO's broadcast team and a famous trainer. Emanuel gave some great boxing history, but it was his tendency to grab the microphone and keep it that was memorable. While noone wanted to simply yank the mic away from him, it took a bit of doing to make him let go.

So that was our Thursday and Friday night recap. I'd like to tell you that we spent our time after we went off the air in the throes of Las Vegas decadence, but I can't. After the 24 hour road trip, and three hours of the show, we just couldn't go on. There was a plan that involved an old friend...

But you'll have to come back to find out what. Don't worry, I'll get to the part about the brothel soon enough.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Friday, December 03, 2004

A Cautionary Tale...

Actually, it's not really a cautionary tale, I just couldn't think of a title I liked. Sue me.

I figure it's way beyond time that I tell of my great excursion to Las Vegas and beyond. While I don't want to bore you with all the details[actually, I'm just too lazy to type them] I do want to give some highlights.

I may have said this before, but this was actually my very first bonafide road trip. So of course I wanted to experience every detail.

I slept.

I staked out my corner of the RV and basically fell into a coma about an hour or so after we took off from the station. I woke up when we stopped to refuel at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, at an hour when the only people awake are murderers and their victims. There was a mist/fog that was perfect for either a zombie invasion or a villager uprising. I bought an ice cream bar from a young man with homemade knuckle tattoos and that kept me awake for a few hours or so.

I decided to contribute to our survival by taking the passenger seat for a while and insuring that Greg, our driver, did not fall asleep at the wheel and kill all of us. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have worried since Greg would end up relying on very loud and very bad rock music to keep him awake.

I suppose it was a good thing that the drive wasn't that memorable. The most excitement we experienced was maneuvering a 45-foot RV across Hoover Dam. There was a cash offer on the table to take a leak off of the dam, but noone accepted.

We officially arrived in Vegas around 6:30 or so Dallas time. That was a matter of some concern, as we were due to begin broadcasting at 8:00 sharp.

Before I continue, let me run down the cast of characters:
  1. Big Dick Hunter: Host of the P1WAC and mastermind of the whole trip. Known for his willingness to involve the listener in all aspects of his life.
  2. Big Dick Hunter's Fiancee': Her beauty is matched only by her kindness and understanding. [Personal note: such a sweetheart]
  3. Zach the Pothead: One of the listeners [P1s] chosen to go on the trip. An enthusiast of "herbal entertainment", but also a very well read boxing fan. His knowledge [of boxing] would prove valuable.
  4. Big Greg: Our main driver, Greg amazed us all with his automotive prowess. His almost completely spherical shape was also impressive.
  5. Mardi Gras Paul: A Road Trip P1 veteran, Paul was the voice of experience and a constant source of wit.
  6. Me: The hero of this story.

There were also two other guys on the trip, but to save time, I'll sum up their role:

They drank. A lot. Then one or the other would yell something he thought was extremely clever. That may sound bitter, and I understand. Since I don't drink myself, I might not catch the subtle humor that is inherent in slurred comments and staggering.

Back to the trip.

We arrived at the Mandalay Bay hotel about 7:00. The sight of our RV pulling up to the front door is one I'll remember for a while. We checked in and dropped off our luggage in Richard's room[I'll get into our accomadations later]. With about ten minutes left before the show, Richard, Paul, Zach and myself made a dash to the Mandalay Bay broadcast center. We made it with about three minutes left to spare, much to the relief of Turley.

Turley, or Big T as we later knew him, is the producer of the P1WAC and is best known for his tenacity in wrangling guests for the show.

The broadcast center looks much like any convention space. Tables with banners indicating their station are scattered about with the occasional soft drink area. Stations from all over were broadcasting, and it hit me.

Here are actual professional radio people plying their craft, and right across from them are three guys that have frankly, no real right to be there.

The parade of guests started almost immediately, but you'll have to tune in later to find out.

Your Pal,

Mike G.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Sadly, Mothra Still Goes Unrecognized....

Every now and then, I see a story that just fills me with joy. With so much in the world that divides us, it's good to see some news that everyone can agree on.

One word:


Four more words:





Click here for all the details.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Friday, November 19, 2004


Current Location: The Media Center of the Mandalay Bay Casino.

Situation: Conducting interview for the Wright Vs. Mosely fight tomorrow night.

Translation: I and two other listeners of the Ticket are sharing space with actual media people. My credentials are that I spent 17 hours on an RV.

Last night we spoke to Moseley's wife and fight legend Bert Sugar among others.

I also lost 5 dollars on a slot machine.

More info later.

Your pal,

Mike G.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Road Trip!

Well, even though it's a few years too late, I will make my first ever honest-to-goodness road trip tomorrow.

This is all courtesy of Richard "Big Dick" Hunter. We will depart in a 40-foot RV Wednesday night to the home of CSI: Original Flavor, Las Vegas.

We'll be doing some interviews for the upcoming Winky Wright vs. Shane Mosley rematch this Saturday, but more importanly, Mr. Hunter will wed his long time girlfriend. While I do suspect the location of the nuptials, I'll leave that for a future post.

I will try to blog from the road, and I will be taking pictures. We will be meeting up with other friends fo the station, and perhaps a B or C-level celebrity.

Wish me luck,

Mike G.

Saturday, November 13, 2004


You know how sometimes you think you know a certain fact, but never actually witness or experience it?

Well, I just confirmed the fact that direct light is to strippers as garlic is to vampires.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

More Nerdvana...

So, anyone out there thinking I couldn't get nerdier?

I spent roughly 6 hours in a Best Buy parking lot for a video game.

As most of humanity knows, Halo 2 was unleashed around the world this morning at the stroke of midnight. Gamers from all over gave up precious Internet time to stand in line to be the first on their block to own the game.

I was there with the rest of the P1 Wild Ass Circus for a live broadcast. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that we would be outside, and the midday weather was extremely pleasant. As the hours passed, I did the only thing a guy in shorts and a t-shirt could do.

Completely by chance, I had my flannel robe in my car. While it did keep me from freezing, it led people to beleive that I had rushed to the store as soon as I woke up. Why I have a flannel robe in my car is another story altogether.

There were a couple of bright spots; Papa John's sent some pizza, and the cutest newspaper reporter I've seen was there to ask questions of the crowd.

It was a good time, and please stay tuned for some entries that I thought I'd never ever make.

Take Care,
Mike G.

Saturday, November 06, 2004



Thankfully, I found a way to drag myself out of the funk I was in.

WizardWorld Dallas.

Three days of comics, games, collectibles, movies, and tv.

And more nerds than you can shake a lightsaber at.

A shout out to Tim from Keith's Comics for the tickets. Also, tune in Monday night to the P1WAC for some audio from the show.

Thanks to all the people that spoke with me, including the sword salesman, trading card gamer, and the generic comic fan.

Your pal,

Mike G.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Hunker Down...


Well, it looks like we've got four more years of 'compassionate conservatism'.

And at least one or two new Supreme Court Justices.

Either way, this nation looks to be as divided as ever.

Any other candidate would realize that the lack of a true mandate calls for a great deal of bipartisanship. The thing is, we've been here before.

After the 2000 election, and even after 9/11, Bush had the opportunity to unite the nation. On both occasions, the Bush White House chose to further a right-wing agenda under an increasingly expanding shadow of secrecy. And now, without the fear of an election, Bush can pretty much do what he wants.

But if you're rich, white, rich or white, congrats. You guys really dodged a bullet there.

So what did we learn? Well, apparently the much hyped youth vote was just that. I can only assume that the call of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was stronger than the call to vote.

And while the writing may be on the wall, Kerry is holding off on conceding. I don't blame him, and given what happened in 2000, he doesn't have much of a choice. I think that he knows it's over, though.

What really bothers me is the fact that so many people who were fired up by this campaign will become so discouraged.

I don't know...If I could I'd take a four year nap. I'll try and keep a stiff upper lip, but for now I'm going back to bed.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The People Have Spoken...

Well, freedom is the right of all sentient beings...

I just hope that the simmering Dinobot Scandal doesn't ruin his mandate of "Energon For All".

Your pal,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

A Friendly Reminder...

Please vote.

Whether you're voting for someone or against the other guy, whether it's to make something legal, or keep it from becoming law.

And after you vote, go to someone on the other side and shake their hand. Like it or not, we still have to live our lives regardless of who wins.

Here's hoping we actually find out who won,

Mike G.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Old School...

Proving the old theory that you never really leave high school behind, I just found out that my Odessa High School Broncos have defeated their perennial rivals, the Permian Panthers. In the past 40+ years this has only happened twice, the last time back in 1997.

That's right, the "Friday Night Lights" Permian Panthers. I was only in grade school when 'the book'[as it's commonly referred] came out, so I only have vague memories of the events. I can say the book served as a mirror, and showed some things that the town didn't like. A couple of losing seasons helped people gain some perspective, and while perfect social justice in West Texas is far off [as it is everywhere] every little bit helps.

Odessa is still a football town though, complete with its own 19,000 seat stadium in the middle of nowhere. I still check in on occasion to see how the Broncos are doing, and my folks still go to a couple of games a year.

Some More Citizens of the Churn Nation:
As far as I can tell, this is a link to California Lutheran University. Go Kingsmen!

Lockheed Martin:
I'm slightly chilled that someone is slacking off from designing some new missile system to look for pictures of the girl.

The University of Wisconsin System:
Wisconsinin...Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...Jeffrey Dahmer....

[this joke is way too inside. I'm sorry]

The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention:
They might not have any flu vaccine, but they do know my WWE Fantasy picks!

I'm just kidding of course. All members of Churn Nation are well-spoken, intelligent, desirable to the opposite sex, and have minty fresh breath. Recommend this site to others, that they may share in the joy of belonging to Churn Nation.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Churining Out The Love...

Courtesy of the folks at Sitemeter, here's a couple of shoutouts to the Great Churn Nation:

The University of Erfurt:Opened in 1932, this institution was Gernmany's third university.

The University of North Texas:
Home of the Fighting Mean Green, and Alma Mater of several of The Ticket's hosts.

Widener University:
Founded in 1821 and located in Chester, PA.

The Pennsylvania House Republican Caucus:
While Churn may respectfully disagree with Republicans on some issues, I hope we can remain civil and friendly, especially in this fractious political season.

Go Kerry!

Since I don't speak Italian, I think they have something to do with phone services.

The U.S Patent and Trademark Office:
The place to go to once you've finally finished perfecting your combination floor wax/desset topping.


Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

One Nation, Under Schilling...

Congratulations to all of Red Sox Nation, as 86 years of frustration give way to the Undiscovered Country of World Series Triumph.

For fans of Schadenfreude, mark April 11th, 2005 on your calendars. That's the Red Sox's opening day, when they raise the World Series banner. Their opponent? The Yankees.

I can't take credit for this, but someone predicted that Boston's death rate would spike, as older fans finally let go.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Taboo Tuesday Totals

With The WWE's first 'interactive' PPV in the books, I had to guess not only what the WWE bookers would do, but also what the fans would decide.


Gene Snitsky:
I can't explain it, but this guy has somehow become a major heel in the Raw roster. While I thought that his final stand would have been at Taboo Tuesday, he surprised me and I suspect a lot of the fans when he destroyed Kane in the 'Choose Your Weapon Match'. I did guess incorrectly at the choice of weapon [chain] but the WWE still used the steel chair at the match's conclusion. Until Kane puts him away for good, he's a permanent member of Team Churn. 61 points.

I admit, I wasn't a fan of this character at first, but the idea of a wrestling savant began to grow on me, and I enjoy his tributes to wrestlers of the past. While this will never happen, I wish that somehow, Eugene would get hit on the head during a match and become 'normal'. Unfortunately, he would forget how to wrestle. He would then have to choose which life to lead. The only question I had about his match with Bischoff was if the fans chose the shaved head or the dress [shaved head won]. 28 points.

Christy and Stacy Keibler:
Both of these Divas saw action at the PPV. Christy faced her nemisis Carmella, and Stacy was in a Diva Battle Royal. In the past, a woman in the WWE had few choices. either she was a manager, valet/girlfriend, or in the rare case, an actual wrestler. Now, the WWE expects every woman to fill all of those roles. For my part, I don't care if 80% of the women in the WWE never wrestle a match. Just come to the ring in something short/flimsy/transparent wave to the folks, and leave. Now, I wouldn't rule out the occasional pudding match. 23 points each.

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Mark Jindrak:
I didn't focus too much on Smackdown because of the RAW PPV, but these two did serve me well. At a million dollars each, both will be Team Churn members for a while. 18 points each.


Billy Kidman, Luther Reigns, Tyson Tomko and Val Venis earned a grand total of 6 points. the less said the better.

Here's my roster for this week:

Billy Kidman $2,750,000
Carlito Caribbean Cool $1,000,000

Chris Benoit $5,500,000
Gene Snitsky $1,000,000

Kenzo Suzuki $2,500,000
Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Mark Jindrak $1,000,000

Shelton Benjamin $2,750,000
Tyson Tomko $1,000,000

Take Care Folks,

Mike G.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Continued Begging....

Regular readers know that off and on I've been asking you to click on this link:


and try out one of the site's offers. In exchange for the goods and services provided for by those offers, cough mumble igetafreeIpod mumble cough.

But what if you're not interested in paying for any of these offers? Well, don't worry, because I've got that covered.

Just click on the link, and look for the Infone trial. Infone is a sort of souped up directory service that can also give you driving directions, movie times, and even make restaraunt reservations.

The best news? It's free to sign up, and they only charge you if you use the service. On top of that, they give you the first five calls free.

To recap:

  1. Point your browser to This Site.
  2. Look for the Infone Trial.
  3. Click on it, and sign up.
  4. If the Infone trial doesn't show up, try clicking the link in step 1 the next day.

And, if you still want a Gmail Invite, please leave acomment, along with your email address so I can get back to you.

Your pal,

Mike G.

Get Back to Studying!

A quick hello to the guys visiting from Northwestern, UConn, and Stanford domains. I say guys since all three users were looking for info on Sabine Ehrenfeld.

If you guys are students, I have to believe there's something better you can do with your time. Go challenge the cool frat to a series of wacky contests. Steal another school's mascot. By the way, did I forget to mention that %99 of all my knowledge comes from cable tv?

If those readers turn out to be teachers...way to earn that salary, I guess.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, October 21, 2004


Wives and Girlfriends all across Boston are breathing a sigh of relief as the Red Sox made history by coming back after losing three straight games to the Yankees. Above, Gabe Kapler and Johnny Damon discuss matters while making an unintentional reference to the last Time the Sox won a World Series. Thanks to for the pic. Posted by Hello

Monday, October 18, 2004

In This Very Ring...

Here's my roster for this week's fantasy wrestling. Shield your eyes.

Billy Kidman $2,750,000
Carlito Caribbean Cool $1,000,000
Christy $1,000,000
Eugene $3,500,000
Gene Snitsky $1,000,000
Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Mark Jindrak $1,000,000
Stacy Keibler $2,500,000
Sylvain Grenier $2,750,000
Tyson Tomko $1,000,000
Val Venis $1,000,000

On the Raw side, I've got 5 wrestlers that Will have a match at Taboo Tuesday, which means points regardless if they win or lose. Smackdown's a bit of a writeoff, but there's some point potential. As of right now, I'm either tied for or in 930th place, which isn't that bad.

Unless there's only 931 contestants

Take Care,

Mike G.


For better or worse[I'm still hedging my bets], here's the cast for the Fantastic Four movie. As much as I love Jessica Alba, I still can't see her as Sue Storm/Richards. Also, I would have preferred a more massive Thing, but that probably would have neccessitated more CGI. As far as Mr. Fantastic and Johnny Storm go, I don't have any real complaints. If what I've been hearing about Dr. Doom is true though...well, it won't be pretty. Credit to SuperHero Hype! for the pic. Posted by Hello

Saturday, October 16, 2004

What's Cooler Than Being Cool?

Well, judging from recent interactions, Everything that doesn't involve me.

As another week slowly passes us by, it's time for a Churn Exclusive: Fantasy Wrestling Analysis. Don't worry, it'll all be over soon.


Carlito Caribbean Cool:
Once again, the WWE's monster push of Carlito proved to be very profitable as he successfully defended the US title against Rey Mysterio. Carlito's become one of my regular picks due to his bargain basement price. 34 points.

Billy Kidman: In the past few weeks, Kidman's persona has taken a darker and more entertaining turn since his in-ring incident where he injured Chavo Guerrero with his Shooting Star Press. 31 points.

Sylvain Grenier: It seems that the WWE is determined to keep the Tag Team Title Belts on La Resistance. Unfortunately I got on board a few weeks too early. 31 points.


It's an all RAW edition of losers for this week. Christy, Shelton Benjamin, and Gene Snitsky amassed a grand total of 3 points. but considering that two of them have matches on Taboo Tuesday, I'll probably keep them on.

Take Care Folks,

Mike G.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Bye-Bye Bandwidth...

For those of you who don't visit the comments[and you should], another Churn reader has taken their love for Ms. Overstock and actually done something about it.

Her first two commercials are ready to view here. Many thanks to you, Mr. Anonymous.

Obligatory begging segment: You know, the sooner two or three people click here, the sooner I'll stop whining.

Enjoying the O,

Mike G.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Raising Objections...

I'd like to start today's post by saying thanks to all the new visitors to my humble blog. I know 95% of the queries involve Sabine Ehrenfeld, but I hope that even after the Net moves on to the next spokesmodel, you'll come back every now and again.

I'd like to give a hearty congratulations to Big Dick Hunter, who as of last night is engaged to be married. Everyone here at Churn wishes them only the best, and between you, me and well...The internet, his fiancee is smokin'. More news as updates keep coming in.

And finally, if you're looking to join a CD club, research your family history, buy some coffee, or subscribe to The New York Times, why not click here first? Not only will you get a good deal, you'll also help me get an Ipod.

Yeah, it's a bit crass, but if I get an Ipod, I can use it to drown out my conscience.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Talk To Me...


Just caught the latest Overstock commercial featuring search engine Princess Sabine Ehrenfeld.

She still looks mysteriously alluring, but this ad revealed another side to her. She's got some sort of European accent that increases her attractiveness about 8 or 9 times.


Mike G.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Blue Light Specials...

I wanted to give you guys my picks for this week...RAW just wrapped up [recording for later] so I don't know what happened yet:

Christian $3,500,000
Christy $1,000,000
Gene Snitsky $1,000,000

Shelton Benjamin $2,750,000
Sylvain Grenier $2,750,000
Tyson Tomko $1,000,000

Billy Kidman $2,750,000
Carlito Caribbean Cool $1,000,000

Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Mark Jindrak $1,000,000

As you can see, I'm stretching my fantasy wrestling dollar. Next week, I'll do another quick winners and losers segment.

And speaking of being frugal, I've got a question. Thanks to the folks at
Cheap Stingy Bast@rd, I got a sweet[75% off!]deal on some dvds. Now, since an unwrapped DVD looks like any other DVD, I'm wondering if someone could 'return' it to one of the many retail establishments in their neck of the woods. My question is: could someone do this, and if they could, where would they stand the best chance of pulling this off? Of course, this is a completely hypothetical situation, as I would never even consider doing anything illegal or unethical. Please comment below with any responses.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Saturday, October 09, 2004


As promised, a breakdown of my fantasy wrestling performance. Look away if you're squeamish.

I'm just going to do a quick 'winners and losers' recap.


Carlito Caribbean Cool:
This was just pure luck. I knew he would be debuting on Smackdown and possibly getting a win over a jobber, but I had no idea he would win the US Championship. For the insane roster price of 1,000,000, Carlito earned me 50 points.

Even though he lost in his heavily hyped match with HBK, he still got in enough offense to rack up 14 points.

Mark Jindrak:
His recent alliance with Kurt Angle has increased Jindrak's visibility a hundredfold. Another million dollar price tag with a return of 11 points this week.


Booker T:

My strategy regarding Booker had him retaking the US Title in a rematch this week, but instead he mildly threatens Orlando Jordan. Here's a quick math problem: if Booker T costs 4,500,000 and earns 3 points in a week, and Orlando Jordan costs 2,500,00 and earns 6 points in that same week, what's stopping me from jumping off of a water tower for being such a dork?

Sorry about that.

The WWE's making a tour of the UK next week, which might affect how I plan my roster. as always, you'll be the first to know.

Take Care,

Mike G.

The Churners Come Through!!!

First off, major Thank Yous go to Joseph of chongq. He wrote me about my post last week about Sabine Ehrenfeld, AKA the 'O' girl.

I posted that:

I am convinced that by this time next week, we'll know more about Miss Ehrenfeld than we would ever care to.

As near as I can tell, Miss O is still fairly anonymous, but Joseph did send me a new link that I have yet to see, and because I blog for the fans, and not the fame and glory, here it is:

Her talents include Basic Tactical Pistol and Private Pilot License!

tomorrow, I'll write about my triumphant comeback in the world of fantasy wrestling. NOTE: the Nerd Terror Alert Warning will be at ORANGE!.

Take Care,
Mike G.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Dirrty Fish...

Ok, I saw Shark Tale earlier today, and while I think that Dreamworks can't hold a candle to the films that come out of Pixar, it had a few funny scenes. Getting Martin Scorcese and Robert De Niro to play fish was a bit of genius.

What troubled me was the director's idea to integrate the soundtrack artists into the film.

The soundtrack's website features the different artists as sea life i.e fish, seahorses and such.

And now, the joke I've spent this entire post setting up...

Isn't it odd that even as an animated jellyfish, Christina Aguilera still looks like a skank?

Tip your waitstaff,

Mike G.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Keep Orko Out, No Matter What...

From Toonzone, linked from Dark Horizons, and apparently first found in Variety...

John Woo is set to direct a live-action version of He-Man.

Yup. He-Man.

I'm too tired to even comment ironically on this story. Before the cameras roll however, Woo will have to finish directing The Rock in Spy Hunter, based on the video game. A game that had no characters, human or otherwise.


Take Care,

Mike G.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Stupid Paul London...

Because noone demanded it, more fantasy wrestling...

With No Mercy this Sunday, I had hoped to make up some ground on Bro. Mike, and if it wasn't for the aforementioned Mr. London, I would have. As it stands right now, I'm currently in 2004th place with 216 points. This week, I'm going back to a more balanced roster; RAW stars in red, Smackdown in blue.

Billy Kidman $2,750,000
Booker T $4,500,000
Carlito Caribbean Cool $1,000,000
Christian $3,500,000
Christy $1,000,000
Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Mark Jindrak $1,000,000
Shelton Benjamin $2,750,000
Tyson Tomko $1,000,000

As you can see, I really raided the bargain basement this time around. My biggest gambles are Christy and Carlito Cool, since Christy's only been on tv for a week now, and hasn't technically been in a match, and Carlito's only been in vignettes, which I believe don't count towards points. AS Churn goes to press, these picks should stay the same, but I can make changes till 8pm.

Also, in a change from the usual schedule, I'll be on the P1WAC tonight discussing No Mercy, and perhaps some Fantasy wrestling talk. Please tune in to 1310AM or go to The Ticket's website to listen online.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Saturday, October 02, 2004


This is unexpected.

It seems like someone's mounted a challenge to Erica Durance's supremacy in supplying links to this site.

Ms. Overstock, Sabine Ehrenfeld has been raking in the referrals recently. While I doubt the new campaign will do much for cheap books and DVDs, I am convinced that by this time next week, we'll know more about Miss Ehrenfeld than we would ever care to.

But all bets are off if Erica Durance shows up in any 'unfortunate' home videos.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Neutral Corners...

I want to make this clear.

I did not watch the debate last night.

Therefore, I am eminently qualified to comment on it.

First off, I thought that President Bush disrespected the whole process at the very beginning. Arriving at the debate venue in a fur coat surrounded by exotic dancers isn't very presidential. Also, his solid gold goblet[complete with "G-Dub" spelled out in diamond] on the podium was very distracting.

Senator Kerry didn't fare much better. I'm sure his handlers thought that crashing in through the ceiling on a jetpack would convey a sense of leadership. It came across as unnecessary, and the resulting debris cloud obscured the first 12 minutes.

And while I thought Jim Lehrer did an admirable job of moderating the debate, at times I felt he was too strident. Yes, Kerry did go over his alotted time for one of his responses, but that was no reason for Mr. Lehrer to break his finger and threaten to kill his children if it happened again.

The presentation left me scratching my head. I'm no prude, and I understand the need to attract an audience, but I question the use of the Man Show's Juggies as 'halftime entertainment'.

Overall, I felt that Senator Kerry won this particular debate. I don't condone his use of a taser, but it's hard lose a debate when your opponent is unconcious and twitching.

As I understand it, the next debate is due to take place in a 20-foot tall steel cage.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

A Fresh Coat of Paint...

is nice and all, but you can count on Churn to stay the same, regardless of any external changes.


P.S it looks like BlogPatrol vanished into the ether, so I've turned to sitemeter to track the massive hordes.

Take Care,

Mike G.


BlogPatrol came back!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Tragedies Continued...

So when I last left you I was discussing my current mini-obsession with certain TV Commercial ladies. Today, we'll coclude with a story I like to call:

A Breath of Fresh [And Alluring] Air.

So, The Sharper Image, home of the Unecessary Household Item, has been offering an item called the Ionic Breeze. According to their site, it uses "electrostatic precipitators" to clean the air. Apparently, if the unit hits 88MPH, you run the risk of traveling through time as well. Not everyone is a fan, as Consumer Reports gave the product an unfavorable rating. This did not sit well with the Image folks, who sued the consumer group.

But that's not why you read this blog.

to tell the masses about this revolutionary way to clean the air, The Sharper Image ran an infomercial, and hired the oddly attractive Carolyn Hennesy to host. The name was not familiar to me, and I soon found out why.

Since I would rather be beaten with a sack of doorknobs than watch Dawson's Creek, I was unaware that Ms. Hennesy portrayed Mrs. Valentine for about 7 episodes. She was also "Congresswoman with Haircut" in Legally Blonde 2. Here's a pic of her, and some video clips form her movie Wave Babes can be found here. For reference's sake, she's the one on the right.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Combined Tragedies...

One[?] of the dangers of watching as much TV as I do is that small things that you notice become astronomically important and weigh on your mind at inopportune times.

So right now my head-brain has decided to focus on commercials. Specifically two of them. The fact that they both feature attractive women is purely coincidence.

First up is the commercial for discount shopping site Overstock. A pretty brunette is extolling the virtues of "The O" in various stages of dress. At first I thought she was OK looking, but by the 50th viewing...

So, when I'm in need of direction and guidance, or to find out whether or not an actress has appeared naked on TV or Film, I turn to...

GOOGLE!!! [insert trumpet blast]

It turns out that I'm not the only one interested in Miss O, which saved me the effort of actually doing the research.

Her name is Sabine Ehrenfeld, and she's appeared on a fitness magazine cover, and had a part in the ABC series Murder One.

The second commercial girl is proving to be harder to track down, so I will leave you for now.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Live From Burbank..

this is an audio post - click to play

Actually, I'm just messing around with audio posting. While listening isn't mandatory, I may be giving you folks a reason to tune in next time.

Take Care,
Mike G.

Monday, September 27, 2004

More Strategery...

That could have gone better.

While I still hold that my Fantasy Wrestling strategy of drafting the entourage of more expensive wrestlers will pan out[eventually], the numbers didn't back me up. With a grand total of 33 points, I am in 9000+ place. I suppose this means I have nowhere to go but...possibly even lower.

But this week, there's a new wrinkle. With the No Mercy PPV this weekend, I've decided to concentrate mostly on the Smackdown roster, in the hopes that the extra points lift me out of this basement. This is my roster for this week:

Wrestler Salary
Christian $3,500,000
John Cena $4,500,000
Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Paul London $2,750,000

Shelton Benjamin $2,750,000
Spike Dudley $3,500,000

Benjamin and Christian are there so I can earn at least some Raw points. As for the others, three have matches at the PPV, and one is a current champ. Just appearing in a PPV match is worth more than a regular show win. Once again, if anyone is interested in joining our league, please let me know, by commenting on this post.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Almost Forgot...

When I'm not being groped by women I don't know, I lead the life of a geek. In fact, like my Pal Brother Mike, I've found a way to combine multiple geek loves in the WWE's Fantasy League. My 'strategery' involves stretching my salary by using wrestlers that hang out with higher profile[and more expensive] ones:

Batista $4,500,000
Christian $3,500,000
John Cena $4,500,000
Luther Reigns $2,500,000
Orlando Jordan $2,500,000
Steven Richards $1,000,000
Tyson Tomko $1,000,000
Totals $19,500,000

And before you ask, drafting Steven Richards was the equivalent of buying gum at the check-out of the grocery. I had the million dollars left over and thought, 'why not?'

I am beginning to question if I made the right choice by drafting from both RAW and Smackdown. I suppose the theory is that if you focus your cash on just one roster, you can afford more expensive wrestlers, and hopefully score enough points to offset ignoring the RAW roster.

If any Churn Readers are playing along, please comment on this post and leave your Email addy. I'm setting up a private league so we can bask in our dorkdom together.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tonight's Specials Are...

With floundering nighttime sales, "Applebee's After Dark" attempts to add a new level of maturity to their Riblets and low-carb wraps. Posted by Hello

Actually, I need to back up a bit.

This past Saturday, my good friend Richard "Big Dick" Hunter of the P1 Wild Ass Circus celebrated his birthday at an establishment where ecdysiasts practiced their wares. My knowledge of these places has been limited to late night cable, so I figured I had to go not just to celebrate my friend's birthday, but as a new cultural experience. I won't bore you with all the details, but I did have a few observations.

Pecking Order
There are definite castes in this particular world, and it's not difficult to place each 'entertainer' in her specific slot.

While not ubiquitous, the mullet and lower back tattoo is out in force.

Food on the Table
I firmly believe that without these places of business, foreign techno groups like EMF amd Technotronic would die of starvation.

Lock-On Target
Wile the birthday party was being held in a separate section of the club, on occasion, a few ladies would wind their way through. They were like sharks prowling the seas, except instead of blood, they were smelling the dyes used in printing U.S Currency. Since I had little cash and don't drink, I was in Stealth mode, and invisible to their radar.

Which leads me to the photo.

I had been on the P1WAC a few days prior, and had told Richard about my lack of club experience. I suppose it gave him an idea, because that night, I was talking to someone when one of the entertainers walked up to me and began to...well, you get the idea. She told me her name was Ecstasy, but I suspect that may be an alias.

While not having anything to directly compare her work to, I thought she did a fine job. As far as 'participation' goes, I admit I erred on the side of caution. Of course, after I saw what others were doing, I realized I had nothing to worry about.

All in all, it was an entertaining and educational evening. Will I go back again? I don't know. I just bought the Star Wars DVDs, so I'll be busy for a while...

Take Care,

Mike G.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I Can Get It For You Wholesale....

Quick note: I will discuss in full details the events of the past 24 hours, but until there is photographic evidence of said events, I'll keep my mouth shut.

Instead, I'd like to pass on a quick deal.

It seems that Microsoft really wants you to sign up for their new radio service. So much that they're willing to do a complete 180.

So they're offering a fairly sweet deal. If you go to MSN's page and scroll near the bottom, clicking on 'ad free radio' will allow you to sign up for a free 30 day trial. They're also throwing in MLB's Gameday Audio for those of you into baseball.

Also, in keeping with the frugal tone of this post, major props to Cheap Stingy B@stard. It's worth at least a daily click.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

All Things To All People....

Churn Management would like to take this opportunity to say hello to Jennifer. It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, and I hope this greeting isn't too forward.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Lookin' For Hits

This is a blatant attempt to relive the glory days of this blog. By that I mean the absurd numbers of people who came to this blog via Miss Erica Durance. I've got all the right ingredients...

  1. Bad movie based on video game.
  2. Little known actress.
  3. A refreshingly liberal view concerning clothing.

So let's go.

Please meet Ms. Sienna Guillory. She plays the role of policewoman Jill Valentine in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Pause for a quick review of said film. I guess the best way to describe it would be like this. Imagine a jawbreaker with a soft candy center. Now imagine the outer layer tasting like rotten fish. Sure, the center might be good, but it's honestly not worth the effort. If you're looking for a Milla Jovovich fix, I would suggest you rent The Fifth Element.

But back to Ms. Guillory. She made her U.S acting debut in The Time Machine, which I had up to now conveniently forgot about. But that's not why you're here.

The USA Network, famous for Walker Texas Ranger and...I guess other shows, broadcast a 'Television Event" entitled Helen of Troy in 2003. Sienna played the title role, and while I can't speak to her performance...

See for yourself.

And with that I bid you good night.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

Holy Fashion Victim, Batman!!

You know, I've always been a fan of Batman, but there's always been a few things about him that have struck me a bit odd. First, there's the whole issue that Batman is the real identity, and Bruce Wayne is the mask. The whole Robin thing raises some questions depending on what color state you live in.

But this takes the cake.

Personal choice aside, isn't this a bit too flashy to fight crime in?

I could be wrong. Maybe Superman's started wearing platinum teeth nowadays.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

One Trick Orton?

Well, it looks like the Randy Orton experiment will be on hold for a while, as HHH retook his WWE Heavyweight Championship belt earlier this evening at WWE Unforgiven.

While HHH holding the title isn't an uncommon sight, I was a bit taken aback to see him win the belt so soon. HHH/WWE has done such a job of eliminating any serious competition, I'm curious whether the next PPV will simply be an Orton rematch. No Mercy is a Smackdown PPV, which leaves Taboo Tuesday, which is billed as an 'interactive' PPV.

For more wrestling news and opinion, tune in Tuesday night to 1310AM for the P1WAC, or go to The Ticket website to listen online.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Whew! Finally...

You know how when you have a really juicy secret, and you really want to tell someone?

Or how you've always wanted to tell off the guy working in the next cubicle, but you know you're not 'supposed' to?

Well, our Vice-President finally got tired of holding his tongue Tuesday, and decided to share his thoughts with a large group of people and TV cameras.

It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States.


I guess the 'flip-flop' line just wasn't enough.

Let's put aside politics for just a moment. According to Cheney, and by extension the Bush Administration, a vote for Kerry is a vote for Terrorism. And not just regular terror, but some kind of Super-Size Terrorism.

Back to politics.

Would it be incredibly insensitive of me to point out that Bush's record on terrorism isn't all that stellar? I can think of at least one instance where you could criticize this Administration.

I mean, honestly. What happens if Bush wins and we get attacked? Will it still be Kerry's fault?

I guess I can't be too surprised. After all, we're living in a world where people are questioning whether or not a bona fide war hero actually earned his medals. The fact that their claims aren't even true is sadly besides the point.

But I think we can all agree that he at least showed up.

Take Care,

Mike G.

p.s. I still have a few more Gmail invites to give away. Just click here, try one of the offers, and I'll get in touch with you. Thanks in advance.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

But Ephram Can't Know!!!

Courtesy of the Photoguys, here's a pic of Big Dick Hunter interviewing the Lizard Man. What was the conversation about? Oddly enough, it revolved around Everwood's new season. Posted by Hello

Pick Your Poison...

From left to right, meet Angela Ryan, Jami Deadly, and Domina Athena. They were all very personable and charming, and I'm not just saying that because they threatened to kill me and plant my body in the foundation of the interstate. They were just a few of the people I met last night at the P1 After Hours Party.Posted by Hello

Just Another Monday Night...

It's way too late, but I want to give a quick preview to what might be the best post I'll ever make.

Tonight I spent my evening with three burlesque entertainers[one of which was a professional dominatrix], two exotic dancers, a Lizard Man, a WolfMan, Greg Williams, a sideshow barker, and a man whose talent involves an electric drill, several torches, and a hammer.

Stay Tuned,

Mike G.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

It's Official...

I am crazy now, Chuck.

I'm sure most of you have seen the Burger King ads with the Tony Robbins clone extolling the virtues of the Angus Diet. It's even been running as an infomercial across the dial from the Ronco Showtime Oven and that ladder that can transform into 15 other types of ladders.

So for a laugh, I went to the site and clicked around. There's some funny clips and jabs at the whole self-help movement. But what stopped me dead was the Book.

Whoever designed this campaign for BK flat out wrote a 120+ page book about this fake doctor and his fake diet. All to sell a glorified Whopper. I really can't decide whether it's genius or completely moronic.

Take Care

Mike G.

Thursday, September 02, 2004


Now, this isn't on the same level as Batman vs. Captain America, but it's still pretty big.

A few days ago Mark Millar of Authority and Ultimates fame, announced on his site that Jim Caviezel was set to play Superman in the upcoming movie helmed by Bryan Singer. As you know, Singer was the director of the 2 X-Men movies. Like news on the Internet is wont to do, word began to spread from site to site and even made it to the New York Post.

Enter Harry Knowles.

Mr. Aint-It-Cool-News posted on his site that Millar was mistaken and that no decision had been made as of yet.

Millar responded with a challenge. Given the people involved, you wouldn't be mistaken if you guessed it wasn't physical.

He put up a thousand dollar bet that Mr. Caviezel would have the role of Superman by the time shooting begin. Harry accepted, and the proceeds will go to their favorite charity, depending on who wins.

Newsarama has the whole story if you want more info.

I read somewhere that actors who have portrayed Jesus run into problems both professionally and spriritually. I can't even imagine the double whammy that awaits the guy that's played both Jesus AND Superman.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Insert Inappropriate Headlights Joke Here...

Well, it looks like Former Child Star and current surgical debate topic Lindsay Lohan is currently filming a remake/reimagining of Herbie The Love Bug. Here's a clip from the press release...

Herbie: Fully Loaded stars Lindsay Lohan, Justin Long, Breckin Meyer, Matt Dillon and Michael Keaton. Along with the cast, NASCAR Nextel Cup Series drivers Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jamie McMurray, Casey Mears, Kevin Harvick and Rusty Wallace will have cameos in the film. The film is scheduled for release in the Summer of 2005.

It sounds like they might try for some sort of Fast and the Furious clone. Now, I will admit, the visual of A VW Bug screaming past a nitrous powered neon pink Celica does sound amusing. It seems however, that everyone has forgotten about the 1997 remake, directed by Peyton Reed of bring it On fame, and starring genre movie legend Bruce Campbell.

Whoops, I almost forgot. Here's some Lohan pics...

Fun in the Sun...

Paging Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard...

Lindsay and her pal Tara Reid


Mike G.

If any of the new links near the bottom of this page appeal to you, please click on them. Yes, I may be compensated for providing these ads, but according to my calculations, I could earn upwards of Five Dollars!!

Take Care,

Mike G.

Monday, August 30, 2004

With Great Power Comes Great...Human Resource Allocation?

QVC and Marvel are teaming up to sell motivational posters. Some of their choices, like the one above make some sense, but others left me scratching my head. Of course, none of this makes sense if you're not a fanboy. Your loss. If you'd like to see the rest, mosey here.

First off, Magneto and the concept of Possibilities? I'm certain that the idea of a charismatic and powerful individual with dreams of power and revolution is a good one to have around the office.

Thor and Leadership: Sure, it's easy to lead when you're a NORSE GOD.

This line could be really good with A few adjustments...

Obliterating the universe takes discipline. Don't lose sight of your goals.

Perspective/J. Jonah Jameson
Not everything is Spider-Man's fault. Just most of it.

No more competitors, no more competition.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

Saturday, August 28, 2004


Since every other show on TV features people talking about what happened last week, or last decade in nice orderly lists, Churn decided that to join in by officially marking the death of this particular trend. Churn has done this before by using the term 'bling' in ordinary conversation, collecting Pokemon cards, and wearing Zubaz striped pants. To differentiate approval and disproval of a news item, we'll be using the terms Churn-On and Churn-Off. So let's begin with Item #1...

Rebecca Gayheart to appear on FX's provocative drama Nip/Tuck

The former Noxema Girl and 90210 star will guest star as a blind woman on the popular and sometimes shocking show.

As this picture proves, she is incredibly attractive, and a stint on Nip/Tuck can only increase her exposure.


Now, with that exposure comes the unfortunate fact that, along with a resume that contains Urban Legend and Robin Cook's Invasion, she has something most actresses don't have.

A body count.

For those of you who don't remember, back in 2001 Ms. Gayheart struck and killed a nine-year old boy with her car. This site has more details of the incident. I'm not so sure I have anything else to add to that except...


Well, let's see if this catches on.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Posted by Hello

Thursday, August 26, 2004

More Naked Women!!!

That is, as soon as three people click here, and sign up for one of the trials. They'll each get a Gmail Invite, and the rest of you will get some nudity.

Seems like a fair trade.

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Still Time...

The 3 GMail invites are still up for grabs for those kind souls willing to click here and take advantage of the free offers contained within.

Take Care,

Mike G.
Let's Try THIS...

Thanks to the people at GMail, I now actually have something to barter in exchange for your help.

The First 3 people who click on this link, and sign up will get a gmail invite from me provided they complete the registration and the free trial. I would recommend the infone service, as I use it myself and find it very helpful.

I will update this site Wednesday at approximately 11:00AM CST with more info.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Remember, this offer is valid only if this link is used, and upon verification of the user.

Monday, August 23, 2004


People sure do love Erica Durance.

Check that. People love Erica Durance emerging from a lake in little to no clothing.

I'm not sure what I can do to top that, as it seems that she makes up the bulk of visitors to Churn.

So, let's try embarrassing personal revelations.

Anyone around here ever heard of Fanfic? You know, when people sit down and write their own episodes of their favorite TV shows. Like that time when Doctor Who landed the TARDIS on Giligan's Island and helped the Castaways get back home. Or that episode of Drew Carey when he realizes he's always loved Oswald. Yeah, that kind of stuff. 99.99999% of the time, it's either creepy or stupid or a combination of the two.

With this sort of setup, you can't possibly miss where I'm going.

Guilty as charged.

Now, let me feebly defend myself. I only wrote one fanfic script, around March of 1998. I guess we should cue the Flashback Harps...

The following was written in June of 1998 for Could-Be-TV-News, the Newsletter of Chandler and Monica, a script-based sitcom, spun off from the fictional Friends series finale, which occurred sometime in the real series' 3rd season:

It was the beginning of my Junior year. while already trapped in the
> strands of the web, I was becoming slowly introduced to the world of
> Friends online. I was skimming through the script lists, when I
> stumbled onto the Shrine [former home of The Last One] I approached it
> with more than a little bit of apprehension. Unfortunately, the world
> of fanfic is a minefield that can leave scars much deeper than one
> would expect. [I know some of you out there are fanfic writers, so
> that last comment was not directed at you personally] Imagine my shock
> when I read the scripts...and enjoyed them! Like most of you I was all
> ready to dismiss the last one as a fluke, or random event, and was
> waiting to savagely rip the first episode of C&M. When that didn't
> happen, I immediately sent Dan notes of praise and congratulations. We
> continued to correspond, on occasion suggesting lines and such, until
> he suggested I try my hand at a script. Knowing the most I had ever
> written outside of class could fit on an envelope, I was taken aback.
> What started as a lowly .Txt file, after months of both furious
> writing and mindnumbing periods of nothing, "Beans and Fakes" spilled
> out. As a side note, that particular little script has logged over a
> thousand hits since being posted. Not a great achievement, but I am
> proud nonetheless.

Yup, not only did I write fanfic, I was also in charge of a newsletter devoted to this fake show. For about two years, I sent out messages to an audience that at one time was over 500 people. Then, when the show 'ended', I still wanted to write, so I sent out small stories of my life and other observations. When I discovered blogging, I abandoned the list for good and set up shop here. Thanks to the efforts of, you can actually judge for yourself if the time I spent writing and revising should have been spent actually talking to real people.

This is my first, and only contribution to scriptwriting.

This is a quick and dirty explanation of what C&M was...

This is's master page for the site. Click the links for 1999 and 2000.

And finally, click here for a look at what I used to do before landing here.

So, I've exposed some of my 'wild and crazy' past. While my more material side would ask for gifts and cash in exchange, I'm smart enough to know none of you would fall for it. Instead, I offer you a great opportunity. I am inviting you to sample, at little to no risk to you, products and services from such companies......

I can't do it.

You've waded this far, I'll cut it short. If you liked this story, or just didn't hate it, do me a favor and click here. Choose one of the trials and cancel after a few weeks. But hey, if you don't feel like it, that's fine too.

Take care,

Mike G.

Thursday, August 19, 2004


About 7 or 8 years ago, one of my roomates back in college had a certain CD with a track that he liked to play at almost all hours. About 5 minutes ago, I finally figured out the name of that certain song.

Clavado en un Bar, by Mana.

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Greed is Good...

Ok, so Wired posted a story about how a site is giving away free Ipods in exchange for trying out various services. As it turns out, the costs compare favorably to spending money on TV and other forms of media. And wonder of wonders, it seems to be legit. Always on the hunt for something for less than nothing, I figured what the hell?

So if you want to join in, please click Here.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

There's a Shiny Nickel In It For You!

Well, not really, but you would gain my utmost respect and love.

Yeah, that's not much better, is it?

Long story short, When someone Googles the word Churn, this site doesn't show up till the second page. On Yahoo, I'm result #175, same as Lycos. I'd like to change that, but I suffer from the twin maladies of sloth and ignorance. So that's where you guys come in.

Now I realize that sites dealing with actual churns will always be higher ranked, and that's fine.

Just go to whichever search engine you prefer, plug in churn and click on the link that brings you back here. With the phrase 'Churn blog' I do a lot better, but the narcissist in me can't let this go.

Thanks for your time,

Take Care,

Mike G.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


All right, I'm not going to judge.

This may seem like a bit of a running gag, but I honestly want to bring this to your attention.

Someone went on Yahoo at about 1:04 this morning and did a search for

diaper compress mill

and arrived here.

Strangely enough, Churn ranks as result No. 11.

Now to be fair, all three words do appear in this blog, but have no connection to each other. I hope whoever it was that did that search wasn't too disappointed.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Get The Professor!


Seems like a few of you Churn readers arrive here via a search of the phrase:

Stand back, Burrito!

It has recently come to my attention that some of you have no idea what that means. Well, there's two explanations and they're both fairly stupid. I'll give you one and sum up the other.

One would use the phrase "Stand back Burrito" to indicate disbelief at an incredible claim or boast.


Steve: I can eat a slab of ribs in under two minutes.

Frank: All right. Stand back, Burrito.

The actual origin of the phrase has its roots in
The Ticket. Burrito is short for Burrito Jimmy, a fake DJ from the fictional station B97. He, along with his cast of characters interview unsuspecting radio show hosts. People named Mush-Mouth Tom, Jive-Talking Stu, Sammy the Spelunker and the Professor chime in and the end result is a trainwreck of yelling screaming and the occasional burst of laser fire.

You know, I just wrote that, and I fully understand every word. It also sounds so incredibly stupid.

That's all for now.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

The Falcon Has Spoken...


Finished watching the finale of Joe Schmo 2. The verdict? A lot of laughs, some wistfulness, and a frog and falcon that we thought were dead, but weren't really.

Editor's note: if you don't know what I'm talking about go here. Thanks.

Tim was a bit hurt after the reveal, but did suck it up for the cameras. Piper did seem really torn up about having decieved Tim, but he did his best to assure her he's OK. In the end, I guess the show succeeded too well in the end.

Amanda took it much better than Tim. In fact, I got the feeling that the producers were trying to bring her and Austin closer, so she's invested emotionally in the show, and not just there for a good time.

Finally, and I know this is futile, but I hope Tim, Amanda and Ingrid do some interviews and just GO AWAY. Not that I don't like them, I just don't want to see any of them fall into the 'reality tv fame-trap' and think that they can now be famous.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Monday, August 09, 2004

A Friendly Reminder...

Not to nag anyone out there, but if you have a spare moment, click your way to the American Diabetes Association website.

The subject has taken on a bit more importance in my family, and I thought that spreading the word might help someone else.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Friday, August 06, 2004


No, Rick James is still dead.

But according to Newsarama, actor Jack Black is not set to play Green Lantern.

Churn readers will recall my rather vocal rant when the news first appeared.

The EW article also talks about DC bringing their heroes down to Earth for the purposes of movies. One of the factors that made Marvel so popular back in the 60's was the fact that their heroes had so many human flaws. Spider-Man was mistrusted by the public, and Peter Parker was a science geek who always got picked on. The Fantastic Four argued and fought like any other family, the X-Men are feared and hated, etc.

DC's Heroes for the most part, are essentially perfect. Wonder Woman is a goddess, Superman is, well, Superman. Batman does live with the memory of his parent's death, in turn making Bruce Wayne the costume for his true identity, Batman. Depending on which version you use, Green Lantern can be the story of a man who has to grow into the role of hero, having been chosen almost at random.

The problem occurs when you forget that at the end of the day, it's a Superhero film. You can have all the character development and emotional resonance you want, if Superman doesn't blast Mongul with heat vision and punches him into orbit, I want a refund.

Case in point:Hulk.

Yes, the Hulk did some cool stuff, like throwing tanks and catching missles. But Ang Lee decides to prove that he's not just slumming, and decides to psychoanalyze these characters. I will grant that Hulk, with its use of comic-book style panels and editing looked closer to an actual comic that just about any other movie.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Today Churn says farewell to Rick James, who passed away earlier today. I won't speak to his troubles with drugs and violence, but from what I've read he had tried to leave that behind him.

It's an interesting sign of the times that a large number of people will only remember him as the "Can't Touch This" guy or the punchline to Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Nothing too earth-shattering for today.

Here's a video from the band Motherboard that I hope you'll enjoy. I have no connection with them, I just like the song.

Click, you impetuous fool!

Secondly, for those of you who follow Smallvile, the role of Lois Lane was recently cast. Her name is Erica Durance and if I gauge my audience, you've already Googled her name, and found very little.

Well, boredom + caffeine isn't the best combination.

Apparently, she had changed her name from Erica Parker. Considering her filmography, I can't say I disagree with her decision. As one of the approximately 14 people who saw House of the Dead, one of the only things that kept my life force from draining completely was this.


If you aren't offended by a bit of nudity, and are over 18, add /9046 to the end of that last link.


Now that you've enjoyed Ms. Durance in all her glory, a cool way to say thanks would be to be one the first three people to click here. Sign up and enjoy one of the free trials, and in exchange I'll give you one of three Gmail invites. for those of you concerned, Wired posted a story verifying their claims.

Hoping this won't land me in the hoosegow,

Mike G.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


With this announcement, nerds everywhere will be dancing in the streets.

Unless it's dark outside.

Or there's bees.

Mike G.
Small Town News...

Every now and then you come across a story that's the perfect combination of sad and funny. The fact that it happened in my old hometown is just fitting.

Bad boys, bad boys...

I guess on the bright side, Odessa won't be known for just the Permian Panthers.

Take Care,

Mike G.

Saturday, July 24, 2004


Direct from Comic-Con comes the news that nerds, geeks and assorted dorks [myself included] have been waitng for. While Lucas might be slightly coo-coo for Cocoa-Puffs, I have to say I at least like the title. It's a callback to the original title for Return of the Jedi, and hopefully it's a sign that things will take a darker turn for this final film. Newsarama and CBR have all the latest updates.

Take Care,

Mike G.

 Posted by Hello

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Answering The Call...

As a preface to this entry, let me say that while I had heard of things like this happening, I always dismissed it as either an urban legend, or simply an exaggeration.

Earlier today, I'm enjoying an excellent lunch at Chipotle{chicken and steak tacos, side of rice}. As I get ready to leave, the three refills of water I had decided to...rejoin the water cycle, so to speak.

Sidenote: I don't order beverages when I go out. The markup between the cost of the drink and the price charged can be as high as 600%. I don't mind paying for my food, but unless I can fill up a cooler and take it home, I'll keep my buck-fifty.

So I'm washing my hands in the sink after completing my business, and I hear someone speaking. Seeing noone else, I glance underneath the stalls, and see a pair of shoes surrounded by blue jeans. The voice continues, and it becomes apparent that this gentleman is having a conversation. On. The. Toilet.

So many questions...

Unless the conversation features phrases like 'car wreck', 'positive tests', 'the bomb is under the toilet', there are more appropriate places to make and recieve phone calls.

I doubt whoever was on the other side of that call was aware of the situation. As an experiment, the next time you answer the phone, imagine the caller sitting there without a care in the world.


I quickly dried my hands and got out. I did not want to see whoever would do something like that. And on the practical side, I can barely use my cell phone in my apartment. I'm surprised you can even get a signal out of what's essentially a big metal box.

Well, that's my little slice of life.

Take Care,

Mike G.

So there I was, alone in the forest. Cold, hungry, and on top of that, I had to give a Powerpoint presentation on improving customer relations. Thanks to this little miracle, I was able to hunt down a squirrel for sustenance, start a small fire, and still impress my boss with my use of pie charts and bar graphs. If you actually want one of these, ThinkGeek's got them for about 70 bucks. Posted by Hello

Take Care,

Mike G.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I Give, and I Give and I Give...

In my unending quest to provide my readers with things they didn't even know they wanted, I have added a search function to this blog. Now, I'm not sure if it even works, but that's beside the point.

I've also uploaded this blog into the Feedster database. I think. Either that, or I just signed up for some record club.

Anyway, enjoy the extras, and don't forget to link to this site early and often.

Take Care,

Mike G.

The great Scott Kurtz does it again. Click here to see more of his fine wares.  Posted by Hello

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I'm going to sound like a jerk for saying this, but then again, that's why I have a blog.
I personally don't care whether or not you smoke. There's probably a cheaper way for you to trash your life expectancy, but that's neither here nor there. What gets me is the fact that people who don't smoke have to deal with the byproducts. All I'm saying is that if someone decided to shoot heroin across from me in a bar, I'm fairly certain it wouldn't hurt me too much.
All of that was a prelude to what I did this evening.
I contributed to a piece of Ticket History as one of the jurors for the New Trial of the Century This Week: Sweaty Jen Ohlsen Guy vs. The Ticket.
Some background: About a year ago, SJOG {don't ask, long story} pranked Norm Hitzges, venerable mid-morning host by pretending to be a baseball player stricken with brain cancer. The interview went fairly well for about ten minutes, and as Norm was saying goodbye, SJOG apparently lost his nerve and announced that he was gay as he hung up the phone. He was then banned from calling into the station and was considered persona non grata. Such a firestorm was raised that management finally relented and decided to put the matter to rest by holding a trial.
Judge Manny Alvarez, the same judge who presided over Michael Irvin's legal woes presided over the case, and two local attorneys represented both parties. This took place in The Barley House, a well known bar. Thanks to Judge Alvarez, the proceedings actually bore some resemblence to an actual case. Witnesses were called, objections were raised, and the closing arguments were full of exhortations for justice and doing the right thing.
In the end, the jury found the SJOG had paid his debt in full, and reinstated all his P1 privileges. Personally, I wouldn't be shocked if sometime in the coming months, he tries to prank someone else at the station.
Before I sign off, shout outs to Rowdy Hatin' Walt, Woody, Grubes, Mardi Gras Paul, Figs, Pizza Delivery Man, and the others.
Take Care,
Mike G.    


Friday, July 16, 2004

Even Guy Gardner Would Be Better...

In keeping with the recent post on Superhero Movies,
Ain't It Cool News has confirmed that Jack Black will be playing Green Lantern in what's being billed as a 'zany comedy'.

Time for another Logic Problem...

Jack Black? Very Cool. An actor who gives his all to a role. Also a legitimate rock and roll star.

Green Lantern? Created by Martin Nodell around 1940, the legacy of the Green Lantern has lasted over 60 years. Their common bond: a green power ring able to translate the bearer's thoughts into whatever they desire. They also share an oath:
 "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power... Green Lantern's light!"
Jack Black as Green Lantern?   Well, Stand Back, Burrito.
Do I think that he can't pull it off? Of course not. After all, it's not my money they're making the movie with. But as a comic book fan, I'm concerned. You see, since Warner Bros. owns DC Comics, they can make any decision they want to their comic properties. Anyone remember nipples on the Bat-Costume? How about the Governator playing Mr. Freeze?
And now, with synergy being the new catchphrase, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a mandate from on high to make the comic version more like the movie version.
Comments, gifts, and job offers are always welcome.
Take Care,
Mike G.